Just This Once
by SweetDulcinea
Summary: FGB gift for ElleCC - First kiss, first...other things, and so many more experiences together. She believes he uses her friendship for comfort when it's convenient for him, but is that really the truth? Or do his moody reactions mean something more? AH
1. Gimmeakiss

**A/N: It has taken me forever, but this is for ElleCC, who generously donated to Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation through the November Fandom Gives Back auction. I hope it was worth the wait, Elle!**

**Any characters, products, or song lyrics referenced in this story are property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement intended. This story is mine.**

**Many thanks to Chele681 for beta'ing & mskathy for prereading.**

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Jasper Whitlock was the first boy I ever kissed. Well, _really_ kissed.

We grew up outside Seattle, in one of the suburban neighborhoods northeast of Bellevue, and on our street there were six families that had kids around our age. Every weekend, we would come out of our houses after dinner and meet on the Mallorys' front lawn. From there, we'd choose the game for the night. Sometimes, if there weren't many of us around, we would play basketball in someone's driveway. On rainy days, we'd congregate in someone's basement and have a movie night. The best nights, however, were the times all the kids were around and we could play a neighborhood-wide game of Hide and Seek. Of course, our rules were a little different from the traditional kids game, but the concept was the same, and we all loved making strategies, finding the best new hiding places, and running around in the dark.

Everyone knew Jasper from school, so he was quickly welcomed into our group when his dad moved in two houses down from mine. His parents were divorced, and he and his little sister Jane stayed with their dad every weekend. Even though little Janey was with Jasper practically everywhere he went, he was still fun to hang out with, and we got along pretty well.

Lauren Mallory became my best friend by default even though we had very little in common, especially as we got older. She was always going on and on about _something_ (it didn't really matter what). I often got the feeling she just enjoyed the sound of her own voice. Lauren wanted to be popular and grown up and do things I never dreamed of at such a young age. She listened to music like Pink Floyd and Nirvana and wore make-up in middle school. She smoked cigarettes in the community park after the sun went down and wore shirts that showed off the breasts she had developed years before mine did.

By the summer before eighth grade, I had never kissed anyone with tongue. Lauren had kissed lots of boys, including older boys who went to different schools. She'd been doing that since we were ten years old, and by the way she talked about it all the time and wrote strange, suggestive poems that she made me read, I had begun to feel like there was something wrong with me.

Tired of our "kiddie games," as she called them, Lauren decided to have a campfire at her house one Saturday night. There was a small patch of woods that ran behind the houses on that side of our street, and the Mallorys had a little fire pit back there. It was slightly obscured from view if you were in the house or backyard, and Lauren thought that was just perfect. She invited several other kids our age and the grade below us over, even ones who didn't live on our street. She said that anyone younger than that was not allowed to come to her party.

Jasper was a year below us in school, getting ready to go into seventh grade, and there were a few other boys and girls his age there as well. It was fun to hang out with everyone, I suppose, but I didn't get quite the thrill out of it that Lauren seemed to. I assumed that she felt more grown up having a "private" party, even though our parents were all within shouting distance and all we were doing was talking and cooking hotdogs and marshmallows on the fire.

At some point, Lauren conspired with Jessica Stanley, and they started a game of Truth or Dare. I knew that Lauren was up to no good when Katie Marshall was the first person to choose a dare and Lauren made her kiss Mike Newton. Not every dare was like that, but I dreaded my turn coming. I just knew that Lauren would pull one of her mean tricks when it came to me. If I chose truth, she would use it against me to make me reveal some embarrassing secret, and if I chose dare, she'd surely make me kiss someone like Tyler "hotdog chunks in my braces" Crowley. _Eww._

Instead, I was shocked when it was Jessica who dared Jasper to kiss _me_. Everyone knew that Jasper Whitlock and Rosalie Hale were boyfriend and girlfriend for sixteen days in sixth grade, so of course he had kissed a girl before. I wondered if they all knew I was a smooching virgin.

Jasper got a shy look on his face for a moment, but then it was gone, and he moved toward me, pulling us out of the light of the fire. Everyone was watching us, which made me shake nervously, so he turned his back to block me from their view. I smiled a little when he pulled some gum out of his pocket and gave a piece to me after he popped one in his mouth. It was really quite thoughtful because who wants to kiss someone who's been eating hotdogs, smores, and drinking sticky soda?

People started complaining that we were taking too long, so I chewed faster and then nodded at Jasper. I knew there was no way we were getting out of this, so I just hoped it would go quickly. He was taller than me, but not too tall yet, so he leaned down until we were really close. Too nervous to close my eyes like they did on television, I watched him tip his head, and I mirrored the action. Unfortunately, that made our noses bump, and we both tipped the other way, bumping noses a second time. Finally, he put one hand on my cheek and held my face still while he pressed his lips to mine. I didn't realize it immediately, but this was another shield he created to give us privacy from the gawking crowd.

I didn't know what to do at first, so I just sort of opened my mouth a little and waited. It felt really strange when his tongue touched mine and moved between my lips, but after a few seconds I got the hang of it and starting moving and swirling my tongue around. My arms were stiff at my sides the entire time since I didn't know what else to do with them. The whole kiss probably only lasted half a minute, and when it ended, I found myself a little disappointed; it had just started to feel good.

I couldn't look Jasper Whitlock in the eyes for the rest of the night, and it was three whole weekends before I could bring myself to talk to him. The day after we finally started talking again, I found a note in the pocket of my jean jacket I wore on cool summer nights like that one.

_Was that your first kiss? I thought you did good.  
If you didn't like it, sorry I sucked. I've only kissed one girl before. _  
_See ya next weekend!  
JW_

After that, I didn't feel so weird around Jasper anymore, and the next time I kissed a boy, I was much more confident about myself.

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**E/N: This is a multi-chap, so put it on alert. Chapters will be short, and I plan to post at least twice a week.**

**No, they won't be young for long. The next chapter skips ahead several years.**

**The next FGB auction is gearing up to begin on June 26th, so get ready to bid on some wonderful stories, art, crafts, and celeb merchandise! It's going to be an even bigger and better event this time! I'm offereing outtakes, originals, and a collab with mskathy, if you're interested =) **

**Your thoughts are always appreciated...  
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	2. In This Diary

**Not my characters. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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High school seemed to pass in a blur of activity, social experiences, clubs, classes, attendance of sporting events, practices for school musicals, and so many other bits and pieces. There were ups and downs, highs and lows, and the formation and loss of lots of friendships. From my perspective, that seemed pretty typical for most high school kids.

I tried really hard to be good for my dad. He had taken me in all by himself when my mom wanted to see the world. I hadn't dealt well with the constant change of environment with my fly by night mother, so Renee and Charlie worked out an arrangement they thought was best. In the summers, I would usually go see my mom, wherever she was at the time, and we would spend some time together. During the school year, I was with my dad. He grew up in the area, was a police officer here, and my grandparents lived close by. I was happy with him, but I was perceptive enough to realize that raising a girl, let alone a teenage girl, was a daunting task for a single father.

While many of my friends, especially those like Lauren Mallory and Jessica Stanley, wanted to go to parties and find boyfriend and have sex, I couldn't see the appeal in the same way. I had a few boyfriends, and I really liked spending time with them, kissing, and snuggling, but none of them made me want to do more. It seemed like something too important to give away to another person just for the sake of "doing it."

With all those changes, our neighborhood group disbanded a bit. The younger kids still played on the weekends, and a new generation rose up to fill our places. When Jasper was around Friday through Sunday, he tended to stick close to his little sister, who was four years younger than him. I could tell she adored him, and at times, the way he treated her was more like he was a dad than a brother. He was protective and loving toward her, so when she was around, I didn't complain. We had things in common: we were both living with our dads (though their arrangement was only part-time), we didn't get involved with the rowdier crowds, and we both seemed to enjoy our solitude.

Jasper liked playing the guitar, so as we worked our way through high school, he always had his acoustic with him. We would sit on his back porch together, me with a book and him strumming or learning something new, while Janey ran around the backyard. It was nice to hear him play, and I found that it didn't bother me when he repeated the same song for the hundredth time or he plucked and tuned for thirty minutes straight to get it to sound perfect. Sometimes, he would sing as he played, and I liked hearing his soft, soothing voice. Occasionally, I would chime in, often without realizing it, and sing the words in a hushed tone. He seemed to enjoy that, and when he thought he could get me to do it, he would badger me into purposely singing along with him, claiming that he "liked the way our voices sounded together."

I'm not sure if I would have called him my best friend, because honestly, we didn't see each other a great deal during the week at school, but he was a very good friend to me, and I really liked his company. Jasper was nice, and he didn't ever act like a pompous jerk the way many other guys did. We discussed classes and friends and people we dated without hesitation. When I graduated and left for Seattle Pacific University, he gave me a big hug goodbye and told me to come home and sing with him soon.

My freshman year of college was a whole new world for me. I didn't get home too often because my old truck was too unreliable for me to take to school, but Charlie and I were both saving to get me something better when I returned for sophomore year.

Jasper and I stayed in touch, mostly through emails and the occasional text message, and I began to pick up on little nuances here and there as he told me about his college options and how he was going about that decision. I had always known he was the kind of person who wanted to get out and see the world, yet he wasn't planning to stray too far for college, if he went at all. It took a little prying on my part, but coupled with some bits and pieces that I had seen growing up, the truth began to come together to complete the picture for me. Jasper had a reason for being so protective of Jane and so lenient about her always hanging around. He confessed that their parents' divorce had been a bit messy, and afterward, their mom was hardly ever home, either working or off on a date with some new boyfriend. Their dad could get a bit of a temper. Mr. Whitlock wasn't necessarily abusive toward his children, but he'd been a military man who had very high expectations for Jasper and Jane. When those expectations weren't met, he used intimidation and fear to keep his kids in line. Jasper had always tried to shield sensitive little Janey from their father's temper and the bitterness he hung onto after the divorce, so Jasper had taken his father's belt quite a few times. With college on the horizon, Jasper wasn't completely comfortable leaving Jane on her own.

I wished that there was more I could do to help him, but my options were limited. Instead, I just tried to be a good friend to Jasper, respecting how much he trusted me with those secrets, and I encouraged him to pursue his goals. I told him that there would be a way to do what he wanted and make sure Jane was looked after. However, the bottom line remained that he absolutely could not forgo college in order to stay home with his sister or else he would make himself miserable.

In May, I returned home from school shortly before the time of the high school prom. It was nice to be able to reconnect with my friend since not really seeing him during the school year. There was so much we hadn't had the chance to discuss in depth until then. One Saturday afternoon, Jasper and I were hanging out at his house while his dad worked and Jane was with a friend. Finally face to face, we began to share. He told me about the highs and lows of senior year of high school. I had the opportunity to give him a detailed explanation of my relationship and subsequent breakup with my college boyfriend, Edward.

Jasper had known about Edward and that I met him the first month of college. Things got serious pretty quickly, and it wasn't long before I knew I had fallen in love with him. My feelings were completely different from any other boyfriend I'd had, and paired with the more mature lifestyle I was leading at college, it felt right to elevate our relationship physically. Edward and I were each other's first, and we had a nice thing going for us. However, I was well aware that it was his dream to go to an Ivy League school, so when he received his letter of acceptance to transfer the following school year, I knew he had to take advantage of the opportunity. He asked me to come with him, but we both knew it was his dream, not mine, so when I said no, we were able to part on good terms. It was still sad for both of us, and my heart continued to ache for him, but I knew it would all be all right. First love doesn't necessarily mean it's forever.

Jasper seemed to understand why things happened the way they did, and he offered me his sympathy. The acceptance he showed me was one of the reasons it was easy to speak to him so openly about those kinds of things.

He certainly surprised me, though, when our conversation turned even more intimate.

"So, umm, I want to ask you something, Bella," he began, tugging on his floppy blond hair. "It's sort of...a favor, and I know it's kind of crazy and you'll probably say no, but you're the only person I would ever ask this, so I hope you'll at least think about it, okay?"

Confused, I agreed and encouraged him to explain what he was trying to suggest.

"Well, you and Edward had sex."

"Right..." I replied, still unclear.

"I know I haven't said anything one way or the other, but...I haven't done that yet, and well, prom is coming up," he continued.

"Jasper, you know you don't have to do that whole clichéd 'have sex on prom night' thing, right?"

"Yeah, I know," he said, looking down at his guitar and strumming it a few times. "So I'm taking Alice Brandon, and it's not like I'm planning for anything to happen, and I don't even really know if I like her enough to do anything like that because, technically, she's the one who asked me to prom, but just in case, I don't know...just in case anything might happen, I..."

"You what?" I prompted, trying to encourage him to get out whatever he was trying to say.

"I don't want my first time to be with some random girl, and I also don't want to be bad at it, you know?"

His deep green eyes were earnest as he looked back up at me, willing me to understand not only his words, but some other implication behind them. I thought his confession over for a few minutes and then scooted my chair closer to his, resting my head on his shoulder.

"You can wait," I finally answered. "It's nice being with someone you care about. I mean, I didn't do it with anyone other than Edward, but the learning part was okay because it was _us_ and it was more than just sex or fucking. So if you're not ready, don't do it yet."

"Well, I think I am ready," he responded slowly.

I turned my head up to look at him and he met my eyes once more. "I don't follow. You don't want your first time to be with Alice, but you're ready? Is there someone else you wanted to take to prom?"

"No, it's not that," he said, shaking his head. "I was kind of hoping... See, I was just wondering..."

I peered up at him, raising my eyebrows to show I was waiting.

"Would you, Bella?"

"Would I what?" I asked dumbly, my stomach dropping.

"You know I trust you, and we've been friends for so long, so you're not just any girl. Would you... Oh my god, I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. B, would you do that with me?"

A hard lump formed in my throat immediately as it finally made sense. Would I have sex with Jasper? _Could I _have sex with Jasper? I had some experience, but definitely not much, so I wasn't quite as confident as he seemed to take me for. Still, the pleading look in Jasper's eyes and the affection I felt for him as my friend made me want to help him.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah," he replied, flipping his guitar pick in between his fingers. "I am."

"All right...okay."

"So you will?"

"I will," I confirmed.

A slow smile spread across his face, and he pulled his arm away from his guitar and wrapped it around my shoulder, hugging me to his side.

"You know, it's sort of fitting," he began in a lighter tone. "I was your first kiss and now you're going to be my first time."

I gawked at him for a moment, trying to see the humor in his statement. "Kissing and sex are so completely different!"

He laughed and pinched my side. "Yes, I know, but it's not going to be any fun if we're both all awkward and weird about it."

I finally agreed with his sentiment and asked him when he wanted to do it. He told me that Jane wasn't going to be home until tomorrow and that his dad was working a double shift, so it could be that day, if we wanted.

"Oh, okay. Well, just let me go home and shower and stuff, all right? And then I'll be back in a bit?"

He agreed with that, and I trotted back to my dad's house, nervous and excited about this whole premeditated sex thing.

_I'm going to have sex with Jasper._

It felt a little strange to consider, even though I had already agreed to it, but I found myself a bit surprised that I wasn't the least bit opposed to the idea. In all seriousness, Jasper was very good looking, and the older we got, the more attractive he became. He now stood over six feet tall with broad shoulders and a lean body from swimming and track. His hair was getting longer, but not quite to his ears, and the style seemed to suit him so well. I knew that lots of girls thought he was hot, so in a way, I felt really special that he had chosen me to be his first.

I could only hope that it wouldn't make everything completely uncomfortable between us afterward.

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**E/N: I'm working on a playlist, if you're into that sort of thing. I'll let you know when it's available =)**

**Notesper & I thank all who have alerted this & especially those who take the time to review. Your thoughts & thoughtfulness are truly appreciated.  
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	3. Colorblind

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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After showering, shaving, plucking, and doing my hair in a much more formal manner than I normally did for spending time with Jasper, I walked back over to his house. I gripped the bottle of water in my hand tightly before deciding to take a sip. I wasn't really thirsty, but I was nervous. If all went as planned, I was going to have sex with one of my best friends - the boy who had been my first kiss - even though we had never been anything more than friends since that one time in middle school.

When Jasper answered the door, he was in a snug white T-shirt and basketball shorts, and his hair was wet from the shower. He smelled fresh and masculine, and the scent automatically made my spine tingle and my stomach flip-flop. He smiled at me, and we went directly to his bedroom. After taking another sip of my water, I set it on his dresser and kicked off my sandals.

"So, how do you want to do this?" I asked.

"Well," he said, taking a step closer to me, "I was thinking we could start here." With that, his hands cupped my face, and our mouths met in a soft kiss. He tasted minty like toothpaste and smelled even better so close to me. I really liked the way he felt, so my arms moved over his shoulders to draw him closer. He turned us carefully until we were at the end of his bed, and he lowered me down, keeping one hand behind my back to guide me. We slid up the mattress, continuing to kiss, until my head rested on a pillow.

_So far, so good._

"You smell nice," I told him as his lips trailed down my neck and my heart rate sped.

He took the bottom of my shirt and tugged it up until I leaned off the bed and allowed him to remove it. There was no sense in hesitating if we were really going to do this. He let his dark gaze slide down from my collar bone to my stomach and back again before meeting my eyes. "I like this," he said, rubbing his thumb over the satiny strap of my violet bra. "It's a pretty color on you."

Once more, we kissed, and my hands wandered over his back until I found myself wanting to remove his shirt as well, so I did. He finished that job willingly when I had pulled it up to his armpits. With his chest bare, I took the opportunity to study his body the way he had mine. It wasn't as though I had never seen Jasper shirtless before, but here, under these circumstances, I was looking at him through new eyes, and I really liked what I saw. His sculpted form set off a thousand different reactions in my body, and I wanted to touch and feel him everywhere, just this once.

He rolled onto his side, and there, we could kiss and touch. learning the other's body with our fingertips and wandering lips. I gasped when he first placed his hand over my breast, eclipsing it and making me feel disappointed that I was less than a handful for him, but he didn't seem to mind when he slid my bra off and shifted our bodies so he could take my breasts in both his hands.

"I want to try something," he said softly, massaging my chest and passing his thumbs over my nipples every few seconds. I simply nodded and hummed in agreement; what he was doing felt so good and set off fireworks all over my skin, so I wasn't going to object to his explorations.

Tenderly, he rolled me onto my back again, settling between my legs and hovering over my torso until his lips had traveled from my face down to the swell of my breasts. He began with small, light kisses, and as my body twitched and responded, pushing closer toward him, he began adding his tongue and dragging wet kisses across my hot skin. I knew where he was headed, but nothing could have prepared me for the moment his mouth covered my nipple, his tongue swiping circles around it and his lips pulling delicately.

"Oohh..." I moaned, and my hands moved upon their own volition into his hair. It was the perfect length to provide something to hold onto and guide him. Not that he needed guidance. Jasper's tongue on my breasts somehow felt even better and more talented than when he was kissing me. I could feel his mouth curling into a smile at my responses, even without looking down at him. But I wanted to see him, so I did look, and it was incredibly sexy to watch him take such pleasure in pleasuring me.

Eventually, he slid down, kissing below my breasts and along my ribs. His fingertips moved farther, tucking into the top of my shorts and working toward the buttons. I froze for a moment. We were _really_ going to do this.

"What's wrong?" he asked, sensing the shift in my mood.

"Nothing," I hedged, but his skeptical look prompted me to be honest. "It's just...are you sure about this? I don't want you to regret it later."

"You're my best friend," he answered immediately. "I promise I won't ever regret anything."

"Okay," I nodded, and he sat up a little to undo my shorts and remove them. I hooked my thumbs into my underwear and shimmied them down so he could pull them off as well.

I felt awkward and shy as he paused there, staring at my body. I was completely exposed, and he was only the second person who had ever seen me that way. It was a bit scary, being unsure if he would approve of what he saw or wish that anything on me was different. Instead of scrutinizing me, as I irrationally imagined he would, Jasper leaned forward and stroked my hair, smoothing it down over the pillow and kissing me for a few moments.

He looked into my eyes and slid his thumb back and forth along my cheekbone. "I want to kiss you everywhere. I only know what I'm doing in theory, but I want to make it good for you now...in case it's not later."

I bit my lip and watched his gaze drop back down between us. His hand moved to the outside of my thigh and trailed upward to my hip and over the curve of my waist before he slid it back down again. I watched everything he did, waiting to see what he had in mind. It didn't take long to figure that out when he moved down to the end of the bed, laying on his stomach and spreading my legs widely. I rolled my hips up to give him a better angle and waited anxiously for him to touch me.

Watching with undivided attention, I saw his hand move between my legs, and when he touched me with a single finger, it was light and feathery. His finger slid inside me so easily, and his face contorted in pleasure when he felt how slick my body was for him. I could tell he knew what he was doing there because he moved his finger with purpose before pulling it out and replacing it with his mouth. Upon his first full lick, my entire body shuddered, and I cried out in response.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, peeking up at me immediately.

"No, nothing wrong," I assured him. "That feels really good."

He smiled proudly, giving me a nod before he went back to work, licking me with more fervor, and if I thought his mouth felt good on my breasts, that was _nothing _in comparison to what his quick tongue and soft lips were doing to my most sensitive places.

He was so good...so naturally fucking good. When I felt myself getting close to the end, fighting to keep my legs spread and not crush him with my thighs, I guided his hand back to me, and he slipped a finger in again, stroking me quickly. The combination was perfect, and even though I didn't understand how he could possibly be so good at it with no prior experience with that particular act, I was too caught up in the tight, intense sensations to care. My entire body stiffened, and my hips bucked up into his face as I flew over the edge of bliss. He moved away from me slowly and carefully positioned himself beside me on the bed.

"That was good?" he asked, seeking my reassurance, but I knew that he knew it was, and his smug smile soon surfaced. The entire length of his body pressed to the side of mine, and I felt his erection straining through his shorts. As I caught my breath for a minute, I moved my hands lazily over his bare stomach and touched him through the fabric. His hips shifted involuntarily toward the contact, and I desperately wanted to give him more and repay what he had just done for me.

"Take these off," I told him, tugging at the elastic waistband. He rolled to his back and did as I asked, lifting his butt off the bed to slide the shorts and his boxers down and kick them over the edge. He came back to me on his side, searching my eyes for approval. It was easily given because he was simply perfect. He was just what I imagined the "right" size to be. When I realized where my mind was going, I surprised myself.

_I wonder what he would feel like in my mouth? Geez, could my jaw handle that for long? I guess he's a little bigger than I gave him credit for..._

_I can't believe I'm thinking this way about Jasper!_

Snapping myself out of my far too in depth thoughts of Jasper's..._endowment,_ I didn't speak a word of my analysis to him. Instead, I wrapped my fingers around his erection and enjoyed the feeling of his silky skin in my hand.

Wanting to make him feel good and reciprocate, I began to move down the bed, but he stopped me.

"Don't. I won't last, and I really want this."

I understood, and I asked him how he wanted to do it.

"What do you think?" he asked.

"Well, you might last longer on top, but different things feel better to different people. It's just a place to start, though, so if you want to do something else, we can try, okay?"

"All right," he agreed, and I could sense a hint of nerves breaking through his resolve. He reached toward his dresser for a condom I saw sitting there, but I stopped him. "What's wrong? Did you change your mind?"

"No, it's not that," I began, trying to think of a way to explain it to him. It was Jasper's first time, and he wanted it to be special, so _I _wanted it to be special for him. He deserved to truly feel everything, and I wanted to give that to him. "You just don't need to do that."

"But..."

"I'm still on birth control, and umm, Edward and I, we were each other's first, you know? So it's all right. It will feel better like this."

"Aren't condoms supposed to help me last longer, though?"

"I don't know, really. Maybe, but that part doesn't matter. This is about you."

He finally agreed, presumably seeing my point, and he climbed over me. Our skin was touching everywhere, and we were both perspiring lightly, hot and moist against one another. I used my hands to draw his mouth to mine, and we kissed slowly. The longer we went on that way, the more his lower half rubbed against me, and his hardness was pushing into my thigh. My body was reacting in kind, seeking friction and gratification.

"I'm ready whenever you are," I encouraged him, so he aligned us. I took him in my hand, guiding him toward my center, and rubbed his tip against my soft, sensitive flesh. It spread my wetness and mixed it with his, and in a heavily surreal moment, I realized what I was about to do. This was _Jasper_, and he was seconds away from being inside my body, consuming me, fucking me, knowing me in a way that only one other person ever had. My breathing quickened, and I hesitated momentarily. Then it was all gone as quickly as it began because _this was Jasper_, and he cared for me so much, trusted me so implicitly, that he wanted me to be his first, the one he would always remember, and I wanted to make this good for him. So, so good.

I held him to me and flexed my pelvis toward his so that the head of his cock was inside me, beginning to stretch and pull my body open for his. It felt so good, and I wanted this feeling - the initial entry - to last.

Jasper, however, couldn't wait for that. He groaned loudly, and his fingers dug into my hip. When his forehead fell against mine, I tipped my head and kissed him, nudging his face so that he would look at me. Eyes locked, I lifted my ass off the bed and moved my hand to the small of his back, pressing down on him so that he would push deeper into me. His intense green gaze burned into my eyes as he sank down, releasing the tension that had built between us. He was all the way inside my body, and it was only then that his eyes squeezed shut and he froze in place.

"Okay?" I asked. Slowly, his eyes opened again. He nodded, then whispered a soft affirmation to me. Squeezing from within, I encouraged him to move.

Positioning his forearms on either side of me, he slowly, carefully began to pull out a little, and then he pushed back in. He only moved an inch or so at a time, extending each thrust as he went on and acclimated to what he was experiencing.

"How does it feel?" I asked, wanting to make sure he was all right. It felt incredible to me, even with the hesitant, experimental motions, but this wasn't about me; it was about him, and I needed to know.

He shook his head at first.

"Not good?" I inquired with concern.

"No...no, it's really good. I just...don't know...how to describe...without sounding porny."

"It's okay," I told him, moving my hips ever so slightly in approval. "Just say how you feel."

He moved in and out of me a few more times, holding my gaze and then dipping his head down to watch his cock slide in and out of me, slick with my arousal. He moaned more at that sight.

"It's so...tight," he finally offered. "I never imagined...so good."

"That sounds about right," I said, reaching up to push my fingernails lightly through his hair. "Just keep going."

"Yeah," he agreed, and he leaned his head in to kiss me again.

Without speaking anymore, he began moving faster and with more purpose. He never established a solid rhythm, but I knew that what he was doing still felt good to him. I tried to respond in ways that would encourage and be good for him without making him come too quickly, but it was a struggle when he felt so fantastic, filling and moving inside me.

Both slick with sweat, our bodies glided against each other, and his breathing became labored and heavy after another minute.

"Oh god..." he groaned, slamming his eyes shut again and moving at a fast, erratic pace.

"Open your eyes," I told him. "Look at me."

When he did, his face strained, and it seemed as though every muscle in his body constricted. His jaw dropped in a tight _O_, but no sound came out. With a final hard shove, his teeth clamped together, and he growled deeply. When it passed, he collapsed on my chest, nearly crushing me under his weight, but it felt so sensual and erotic to me.

We stayed that way, just holding onto one another. My hands skimmed up and down his back soothingly, trying to bring him a little calm and clarity as he came down from the sex high. After a while, he rose and knelt on the bed, stretching. He then stood at the side and reached out for me. A flicker of nervousness passed over his face, but it was replaced with tender boldness. "Take a shower with me?"

"Sure," I agreed, taking his hand and following him into the bathroom. He clearly didn't want this experience to be over yet, so I would stay a little longer.

Our shower was slow, and he reverently washed me, placing kisses all over my wet skin and thanking me a thousand times for doing that for him. With all of the kissing and touching, things escalated, and I turned my back to him, leaning my forearms against the shower wall and guiding him into me from behind. The angle allowed me to come this time, rather quickly, and he described how different and how much tighter it was like that, finishing shortly after me.

We dried ourselves, and he tugged me back to his bed, still naked, and enveloped my body with his. He held me tightly, my back against his chest and his arms firmly around me, and we fell asleep together.

I awoke when it was dark, and I saw by his alarm clock that it was after eleven o'clock. I extricated myself from his hold and tucked the blankets snugly around him. After dressing, I kissed his forehead and stroked his hair back. He roused and looked up at me with puppy dog eyes.

"Where are you going?" he asked, whining a little.

I smirked at his sleepy attitude and touched his cheek. "It's late. I'm going to head home. See you soon, okay?" I didn't mention that I didn't want to stay around _too_ long and let things get awkward or weird between us. This was meant to be a one time thing.

His lip jutted out in an adorable pout, and before I left, he whispered another thank you to me. I turned at his door, offering one last smile as I exited.

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**E/N: The playlist is up on my LJ. Link in my profile or use this: sweetdulci(dot)livejournal(dot)com/5839(dot)html**

**If you're a new reader, you can find me on Twitter (at)SweetDulci**


	4. Seeing Red

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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Jasper and I didn't get much significant time together after that unexpected day because he had to return to school on Monday, and I left a couple days later to spend the summer with my mom in Florida. She had married a much younger man a year prior, and they were now living in Jacksonville where he played minor league baseball. I tried not to let the fact that he was closer to my age than hers bother me because they seemed so happy together.

I knew that I didn't necessarily have to spend my summers with my mom anymore, but it was really the only time I got with her. I stayed with my dad on other school breaks and holidays, so this was the least I could do. I was also able to work part-time through the summer there to save some cash for school.

I never did find out if anything happened between Jasper and Alice Brandon, but I was happier not knowing. He never mentioned her when we talked over the summer, and I didn't ask. I wasn't really sure why, but the idea of it bothered me a little. It was a strange feeling considering that I was sort of preparing him for her (and other girls, for that matter), so I chose to ignore thoughts of that situation altogether.

It was probably better that Jasper and I didn't really see each other after the whole sex thing. Yes, those couple brief times before I left, my brain was yelping, "OMG, you saw that naked!", but otherwise, it was surprisingly not weird. Had it been anyone other than Jasper, I'm sure I would have felt different. I think my trip to Florida also helped because we could talk without seeing each other and worrying about awkwardness developing later.

By the time I returned from my mom's, Jasper was already gone for freshman orientation. He had chosen the University of Washington Tacoma so that he could get out on his own a little, but he wouldn't be too far from home and Jane. She was going into ninth grade that year, and he was worried about being nearby to support her. I was also fairly close to home at SPU, but with traffic, it was about an hour drive between our colleges.

Time passed in a flash once more, and school kept us both extremely occupied. From time to time, we would see each other at home or on a holiday break, but that was the extent of it. There was no real time to hang out, and I didn't begrudge Jasper for that since it was his first year, especially when he told me about the girl named Maria he started dating just before Christmas. He ended up spending a great deal of winter break with her in Seattle or at his mom's house with Jane. From what he had told me in our sporadic correspondence, his mother hadn't changed, but Jane seemed to be doing well regardless, and Maria, well, he was completely taken with her. In so many ways, it reminded me of my relationship with Edward.

I dated a couple guys on and off, but nothing really stuck. I enjoyed college and worked hard on my business and marketing degree. Granted, I didn't know exactly what area of the business world I wanted to go into when I finished school, but I still liked my dual major. I did well in my classes, and in my free time I had fun going out with friends.

Suddenly, it was summer, and I was halfway through college. I saw Jasper a few times and met Maria. I couldn't get a great hold on her personality, but I knew what Jasper told me about her, and he seemed to worship the ground she walked on.

When my junior year began, Jasper and I were back to keeping in touch fairly regularly, and we both vowed to take a weekend, or a weeknight at least, to visit each other at school or meet up somewhere. Weekends came and went, and between parties I was attending, Jasper's plans with Maria, or the new band he had started with some college friends, nothing ever aligned.

By Christmas break that year, we hadn't followed through on our plans, no matter how much we talked on the computer or phone. A few days into my time off, we were both home and managed to get a day to hang out. Unfortunately, it was cut short when Jane asked Jasper to take her to the mall. My dad had sprung for a holiday vacation for us - something we hadn't done in years - so that was the last time I saw Jasper before the spring semester began.

In early March, I was in the library studying when my cell phone buzzed in my backpack. I pulled it out to check and saw that it was Jasper calling. Since I was in the middle of researching an important paper, I let it go to voicemail and resolved to call him back on my way back home. However, the phone buzzed again immediately, so I silenced it and sent him a text.

_I'm at the library. I'll hit you back tonight._

His response came immediately.

_**Call me ASAP**_

_Is everything all right?_

_**No...I mean, not an emergency, but I need you**_

__Shaken by the dark and needy tone of his messages, I began packing up my books and carrying them to the check-out counter. I hated lugging stacks of heavy books home with me, preferring to do my research in the library, but that didn't seem to be an option tonight. Whatever was going on had Jasper pretty upset, and I needed to find out what it was.

I sent him one last text.

_Packing up now. Give me 10-15 so I can get home. Hold tight, sweets._

_**Thanks xx**_

__As promised, I was back at my place less than fifteen minutes later, backpack and books tossed aside. I kicked off my shoes and settled onto my bed, dialing Jasper's number nervously to find out what on earth had him so upset.

His voice was gravelly and clearly distraught when he said hello to me.

"What's going on, Jasper? Are you all right?"

He sighed heavily, and I could imagine him tugging at his hair that was now much longer than in high school.

_"So, Maria broke up with me."_

"Aww, sweetie, I'm so sorry," I said, and I meant it. "This just happened?"

_"No, it was a little over a week ago or something."_

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? What happened? What did she say?"

_"God..." _he huffed._ "What was I supposed to do? Call you and say, 'Hey, B, how's it going? Good? That's nice to hear. Oh yeah, I got dumped!' No fucking way._

_"It was so shitty. She went on and on saying that she loved me but needed a break from our relationship because we were together all the time and she wasn't doing well in her classes. I told her we could back off, or make sure we studied more, or do whatever she wanted, but she insisted that we needed to break up. It still totally sucked, but I accepted it because she started crying about getting less than Cs in two of her courses and how she would lose one of her scholarships and not be able to afford school anymore because she has four siblings. It was crazy."_

"Geez," I replied when he finished. "That's a guilt trip if I've ever heard one. Not all that compassionate on her part, was it?"

_"That's not really the problem though," _he continued. _"I was really upset and all fucking sad and shit over it, but I didn't want her to fail school and blame me, so I just hoped she would get everything worked out and we could get back together, you know?"_

I suddenly felt this conversation taking a turn for the worse. Very few relationships rekindle when they say they're taking a "break."

I waited anxiously for Jasper to continue.

_"So all right, that brings us to today when I saw Maria walking across campus holding some guy's hand."_

"No!" I gasped, slapping my hand over my mouth. _What a bitch!  
_  
_"I went right up to her and asked what that was all about. It was probably my biggest mistake because she didn't even have a good excuse. She just shrugged and told me that she didn't want to hurt me, and that she was sorry if she did. You know I can't believe any of that, though."_

I was sitting straight up in my bed by that point, biting my fingernails and completely lost for any response. I had no idea what to say, which sucked because it had obviously upset Jasper very much, and I wanted to comfort him.

He was silent for a minute, but I didn't push him. This wound was clearly still fresh, and each time he tried to continue his explanation and ended up choking on the words, I wished I was there to hug him.

_"Long story short, I didn't ask if she cheated on me because I really don't think I could handle knowing the truth, but there's no doubt in my mind she lied to me about the reason for breaking up. I'm so frustrated that I want to take a fucking baseball bat to her car, Bella."_

"All right, let's get one thing straight first, Jasper. I know you loved Maria, but based on what you've just told me, if she can pull some shit like that on you, you're incredibly better off without her. And I know you're really angry and hurt, but don't do anything rash and get yourself in trouble for it. She's not worth that, you know?"

_"Yeah, I know you're right, but this is pretty much the shittiest thing that has ever happened to me."_

"I get it. Believe me I do," I said sympathetically, trying to think of anything else I could do to help him. He seemed to have the same thing in mind.

_"Do you think I can come hang out this weekend?" _he asked eagerly. _"It's only been a year and a half I've been saying we'll do this, and I'd much rather be with you than stay here on campus or go visit my parents right now."_

"Yeah, of course," I answered immediately, excited about the prospect of getting some quality time with Jasper. It honestly felt like it had been forever, and even if the circumstances were terrible, I was still glad they were going to provide us with some time to spend together.

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**E/N: I don't like villianizing characters, but breakups happen IRL, so...bah. In all honesty, I'm fond of a little Jasmar from time to time.  
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	5. If I Fell

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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As planned, Jasper showed up at my apartment in the early afternoon on Friday. He only had morning classes on Fridays, so he left Tacoma as soon as he was able to get out of there. With a duffel bag on one shoulder and his guitar case on the other, he looked a little like a drifter on my doorstep.

I had intended to go to my afternoon class while Jasper chilled out, but once we got to talking, I decided to skip and enjoy the quality time with him.

We stayed low key that night, hanging out in the apartment with beer, popcorn, a few of my friends, and several movies. It was cozy and fun, and it seemed to be a pretty good distraction for Jasper. Nonetheless, I couldn't blame him for being more affectionate with me when the lights were off and everyone was settled during the movies; there was no doubt in my mind that he was still thinking about the Maria situation. No matter how a relationship ends, how long it lasted, or what other circumstances factor in, everyone feels sensitive about a breakup. It's a big change in your life and what you've grown accustomed to, and when the rug gets pulled out from under you like it did for Jasper, it can be especially devastating. I knew from my own experience that time was really the only thing that could make the agitation dull and fade.

As we sat together on the couch with our feet propped on the coffee table, Jasper threw a blanket over us and leaned into me. He eventually ended up with his head in my lap when a few of my friends went home, and my fingers found their way to his hair, scratching his scalp and toying with the strands. He seemed to noticeably relax at my touch, so I didn't stop. I had always been a sucker for a good head rub - giving and receiving. I wasn't the least bit surprised when I looked down and noticed that Jasper's eyes were closed and that he had fallen asleep. I was glad; he probably hadn't been sleeping well lately, given the circumstances.

When the final movie ended and my roommate went off to her bedroom, I brushed my fingers across Jasper's cheek, trying to rouse him. Slowly, his eyelids fluttered open.

"Hey," he mumbled sleepily.

"Movie's over," I said. "You can stay here on the couch, or you're welcome to come sleep in my bed."

"Bed. This couch is too short."

"Okay," I agreed, lifting myself from my seat and forcing him to sit up as well.

Jasper took off his jeans and flopped into bed, and by the time I came out of the bathroom in my PJs, he had already passed out.

Saturday was a lazy day. I let Jasper sleep in while I got some homework out of the way and cleaned up the apartment. By the time he crawled out of bed, his hair a hilarious mess, it was past noon, so we showered and headed out for something to eat. I showed him around campus and the surrounding area, but it was a rainy day, limiting our options. We both felt pretty burnt out on movies, so we nixed that idea and just headed back to my place.

"I'm perfectly content to just sit and play guitar while you read," he said, making me reminisce. It had been so long since we'd done that, and it sounded like a fantastic plan to me.

For a while, we just sat together in my living room, playing and reading, as he had suggested. When I began to hum and eventually sing along, he stole my book and tossed it to the other side of the room, whining at me until I abandoned my hopes of reading any more. I felt embarrassed and shy at first, not having sung around anyone else in so long, but Jasper didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with my voice. He encouraged me to be louder, taunting when he supposedly couldn't hear me, and harmonizing when I took the melody of familiar old favorites.

He taught me one that he had written, and I would sing the chorus with him and listen as he carried the verses. It was actually quite fun, and I was happy to see Jasper's eyes truly light up for the first time that weekend.

When we calmed down, he drifted into lazy, wordless tunes, and I retrieved my book. Jasper asked me about it, and as I described the story to him, he continued to strum lightly, creating a comforting backdrop to our conversation.

Eventually, we had a late dinner with my roommate and decided to go to a party at one of the fraternity houses nearby. Thankfully, it was within walking distance, so we bummed around a little longer before getting ready and meeting some other people to head over.

As far as parties went, that one wasn't really anything out of the ordinary or spectacular, but it was fun enough. Jasper was comfortable around new people, so he meshed well with my friends, and I didn't feel guilty leaving him to go talk to other people. I was more of a casual drinker than a partier, so I refrained. He helped himself to several beers, which didn't bother me if it was what he wanted to do.

The night progressed, and I noticed my friend Heidi hanging around him quite a bit. It took me a while to realize exactly what I was feeling, but I discovered that she was really irritating me. She was very touchy with Jasper, and it was obvious that she was flirting. Even though he seemed to enjoy her company well enough to not push her away, I was still concerned. Jasper was capable of making his own decisions, but a girl like Heidi was not what he needed that night. I loved her, and she was drop dead gorgeous and totally charming, but she had a tendency to go through men quickly. I guess I would say that she got bored easily. People are foolish if they believe that only guys enjoy the chase.

It was a strange predicament for me. The last thing I wanted was to try and stop Jasper from doing something he wanted to, but he was more sensitive than he let on, and Heidi certainly had no idea what he had been through lately. Then again, maybe he was the kind of guy who would prefer a distraction. I really didn't know. As close as we had remained, not spending much time together in the last couple years left a few holes in our friendship.

Thankfully, by the end of the night, Heidi seemed distracted with someone else, and Jasper was ready to head home. I showered when we returned to my apartment because I couldn't stand smelling like cigarettes and beer when I woke up. Being respectful and not wanting to make my bed stink, Jasper did the same when I was finished.

Even though it was late, the shower had refreshed me enough that I wasn't too tired. Jasper seemed to be the same as he lay on his back, opening his arms for me to curl against his chest.

"Did you have a good time?" I asked, brushing my fingers back and forth across his ribs.

"Yeah... Your friends are all nice and seem pretty cool." He paused for a moment and squeezed my side lightly. "Did you?"

There was something in the tone of his voice that made me feel like he was asking more than he said. I thought about it before replying. "I did, but why did you say it like that?"

"I don't know, B. You were just giving Heidi these funny looks all night, and I didn't know if... Well, I didn't know what that was all about. Do you have a problem with her?"

"Oh geez, Jasper, if you wanted to-"

"I didn't," he interrupted me immediately. "I didn't," he repeated in a softer, less urgent tone, "but I'm on your turf this weekend, so I'm trying not to step on any toes."

I remained quiet and thoughtful for a moment, processing the night and my reactions to seeing Heidi flirt with Jasper. I didn't want to sound presumptuous, but I also didn't want to come across like a mother hen.

"I guess you could say I was just feeling a bit overprotective of you, J," I admitted sheepishly.

"Because...?"

"Ugh," I huffed. I pulled back a little so I could look at him while we spoke. "Because Heidi can be a little...loose, and I know your head is a weird place right now. It's not like I think you'd do something you didn't want to, but since you _are_ here on my 'turf', as you call it, I want to make sure you're okay."

Jasper watched me as I spoke, but I couldn't read the emotion on this face. Then he smiled lightly and pushed my wet hair behind me ear. "I wasn't interested, but I appreciate your concern. You're a good friend. And even though the attention was nice, I'd much rather be here with you than in some stranger's bed."

With his comforting words, I settled back onto his chest and held him a little tighter. We were quiet for a while, and his hands ran soothingly over my back, lulling me closer to sleep.

"I hate that I miss Maria," Jasper said in a whisper, breaking the silence between us. My eyes reopened, and I stared down at my arm that lay over his stomach.

"I know you do."

He sighed. "It just sucks. I wish I could pull her out of my head and leave all that behind, but I know it doesn't work like that."

"It doesn't," I agreed knowingly. "You shouldn't forget, though. First love, first longterm relationship...those are important things. It may have ended in a really shitty way, but hopefully that won't make you forget all the good stuff you learned and experienced in that relationship."

"She was the only other one, you know," he said after another pause. "Like, that I slept with."

"Oh," I replied in a breath. "Really?"

"Uh huh," he confirmed.

"So you and Alice never...?"

"Nah...I realized I wasn't interested when the opportunity was there."

That seemed to be the end of our discussion because I didn't say anything else, and Jasper didn't prompt any more conversation. My eyes slid closed once again, and the weight of the day combined with his gentle touch to pull me into sleep peacefully.

.

It was dark all around me, and I was so warm and comfortable. Heat brushed over my arm, my stomach, and pressed against my entire back. There was a different kind of warmth on my neck and shoulders - softer, wetter - and something combed through my hair.

Was I dreaming?

I believed I was, but when my sleep shorts were invaded by a hand that was not my own, the reality of the moment hit me like a wrecking ball.

"Oh god," I whimpered helplessly as long fingers brushed over my panties. My ass shifted back involuntarily, meeting an unmistakable erection. It made me moan, and in turn, the body behind mine pushed back against me, creating the most wonderful friction.

Where the hell had this come from? I warred with myself to stop and be sensible, but my body had taken the lead, and somewhere in between, my arm had reached behind me. My fingers were thread into the hair at the back of his head, holding his lips to my shoulder and encouraging all this craziness.

But it felt so wonderful...

"Jas..." I breathed, struggling to form words as his fingers teased, his cock ran along the crack of my ass, and his tongue drew nerve-sparking patterns on my skin. "What are you...what...oh fuck..."

I knew I should have stopped him. I _knew_ that it was just a reaction to Maria and that he was feeling overly emotional and sensitive, and to be quite honest, a little needy. It was _not _how I had planned to comfort and support him, yet I was incapable of halting his pursuit or speaking any sense into this situation. Everything about him felt so nice, and I wanted more. My body called for more - on my skin and on my tongue and deep inside me.

"You want more?" he whispered into my ear, deep and breathy, making my whole body tremble. Had I said that aloud or was he just that perceptive and attuned to my reactions? His fingertips teased along the seam of my panties to punctuate his question, skimming over the sensitive skin at the juncture of my sex and my thighs. Unable to speak and unsure what to even say at a moment like that, I gave in, nodding a few times.

He pushed the soft cotton aside immediately, making me moan the moment he touched me. I was already damp, and he sucked at my neck as if to show how much that pleased him. All the while, his cock was still pushing against my backside, sliding up and down and making me imagine how that would feel skin-to-skin. My breath hitched just thinking about it.

Tempted by those thoughts and wanting to give Jasper more room to touch me, I wiggled around to push my shorts down. He removed his hand from me, helping get them off, and once they were gone, he grabbed my thigh, just below my knee, and hooked my leg back over his. Opened wider for him, he ran the entire length of two fingers over me several times before plunging them in; I tensed around him immediately.

His movements were quick and needy, bordering on forceful, but that made it feel even better. His mouth was frantic, and everything combined, all the sensations and attention to so many places on my body at once, made me feel like I was on fire. I needed more - recklessly, selfishly, desperately - so I rolled over, grabbing at his hair with both hands and kissing him roughly to make him understand what I felt - what I urgently needed from him.

I sat up quickly, whipping my shirt off, and as he ripped at his own, I scrambled to get his shorts down. The crazed shuffle to bare ourselves was so frenzied that it probably took longer than if we had attempted it at a more reasonable pace, but I felt out of control. He had set something off within me, had lit this fire, and he was the only one who could extinguish it.

Without asking any questions about what he wanted, I pulled my lips away from him unwillingly and ran to the bathroom. I came back with a condom and tossed it to him as I climbed back into bed, kicking the blankets and sheets out of our way. It may have been a while since I'd been with anyone, but I was smart enough to keep a few condoms handy for unexpected circumstances.

Instead of laying down or climbing on top of him, I returned to my side with my back to Jasper's chest. I remembered how enticing he had felt pressed against me with our clothes on, and I wanted more of that. He seemed to understand my cue, positioning himself behind me and pulling my leg back once more. This time I hooked it higher, reaching back to hold onto him as he rubbed himself over my ass several times, responding to my encouragement.

"I need..." he began after a minute, and I understood.

"Please," I begged, and he answered my cry, finding my center and pushing in with a single, firm thrust.

I had never had sex in this position, and everything about it was amazing: the angle in which Jasper entered me, the sheer tightness, the way his entire body pressed into mine, the feeling of being so close yet restricted in our movements, and the way his mouth attacked my neck. I was submitting to his needs, allowing him to control how we moved and where he touched me.

Everywhere I craved his hands, he seemed to give me that attention. My breasts were squeezed, my stomach was caressed, and - oh god, yes - he played my clit with such precision that he only had to touch me there for a few seconds before my climax overwhelmed me. I rolled away just a little bit more, not fully on my stomach, but enough that he could balance on one knee and thrust harder and faster. The noises he made were so full of pleasure, and in between, small words of praise fell from his lips. I tightened my muscles around him, fighting to hold my grasp and make him feel as amazing as I did in that moment. It must have done the trick because he bit down on my shoulder lightly, and he shoved into me so forcefully that I ended up face first in the pillow.

I lay there panting as he painstakingly removed himself from me, but he remained close, breathing so heavily that I almost thought something was wrong. After a moment, he sighed and kissed the spot where his teeth had dug into my skin and rested his forehead against my shoulder. Jumping out of bed and slipping my robe on, I ran to the kitchen for a couple glasses of ice water, and he smiled gratefully when I handed one to him. I excused myself to use the bathroom, taking a few minutes to cool my overheated skin with a wet washcloth, and soon, we were both back in bed, silent and sated.

"You all right?" I asked as we found our way back into each other's arms. It was too late to inquire about his emotional state or whether he was compensating for his residual feelings for Maria, so I settled for something simple, hoping he would know what I meant.

He kissed the top of my head. "I'm good. Let's get some sleep."

.

The next morning, I awoke to an empty bed and the sound of the shower running in the bathroom. He emerged a few minutes later with one of my purple towels wrapped around his waist and his golden-blond hair looking darker and longer than usual while wet.

"You look good in that color," I teased, sitting up in bed.

We both smirked, and he shook his head at me. "Watch it, or I'm going to take this thing off and snap you with it!"

I jumped out of bed and dodged him. "On that note, I'm going to get myself a shower, too. Make me some breakfast, boy!"

The rest of the morning was casual and easier than I imagined it could be. I wondered if Jasper would say anything about the previous night, but he didn't, and neither did I. From everything I could tell, we were fine, and nothing had changed.

It was easier to just leave it at that.

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**E/N: Notesper & I are going out of town for the weekend, but I've already uploaded the next chapter (because ILY so much!), so you can expect the update Sunday or Monday. **

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	6. Here Is Gone

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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"What's up, Dad?" I asked as I answered the phone. A smirk spread across my face; we had just gotten off the phone a few minutes ago after discussing my upcoming summer internship and renewing the lease on my apartment. It was the first summer I wouldn't be able to spend with my mother, but I was approaching my senior year, and I needed to complete the internship to graduate. I opted to stay at my apartment instead of moving back with Charlie for the summer since it would be more convenient, but I would only have to work four days a week, leaving me with some time to see him on the weekends.

"Sorry to keep bugging you, pumpkin," he said apologetically. "There's just something I've been meaning to ask you."

"I promise my food and fun money is in good shape. You don't have to worry so much about that, especially since you're already paying my rent," I interjected in an attempt to placate his "worried father" routine.

"It's not that," he said seriously, causing my stomach to clench with concern.

I gulped and caught my breath. "Is something the matter?"

"Well, I'm not sure. Have you spoken to Jasper much recently? He's been spending a lot of time at his dad's place lately. Every weekend, actually."

"Every weekend?" I asked in disbelief. "For how long?"

"I'd say at least the past two months now. He hasn't mentioned it to you?"

"No...not at all."

"Well, I thought you might know something. Maybe you should give him a call," he suggested, and I agreed. We ended our call a moment later, and I sat on my bed, staring at my phone in my hands.

Jasper and I hadn't been talking a great deal since his last visit, but it was a busy semester for me. I hadn't had much time to concern myself over the fact that we were sending each other more e-mails than phone calls. He hadn't mentioned anything about going home on the weekends, though, and that didn't sit well with me. He'd been pretty upset about Maria, so I could only assume that he was still dealing with those feelings, and it was likely easier for him to stay away from campus on the weekends to avoid seeing her.

If that was the case, I felt really shitty for not staying in touch better. If he was going through a difficult time, I should have been there for him. Then again, he may have felt uncomfortable approaching me after what had happened the last time we saw each other. He hadn't seemed concerned about that in the e-mails we exchanged, but there was no denying that you lose a lot of subtext when communicating that way.

I made a decision in that moment and sent my dad a quick text. I didn't want to initiate a third phone call for something so brief anyway.

_I think I'll be home this weekend. Make a grocery run & I'll cook whatever you want!_

I was determined to get to the bottom of whatever was going on with Jasper, and if there were issues that needed to be addressed between us, we would handle that while I was home, too. I could only hope that he would stick to his pattern of weekend visits so that we'd get that chance to talk.

.

Sure enough, Jasper's car was in the driveway of his dad's house when I arrived home Friday evening. I sent him a text, playing dumb, as if I didn't know he would be there and it was just a coincidence. We exchanged a few more and made plans to hang out in the morning. Jane had a cheerleading competition, and I agreed to go with him.

Jane had always been a tiny girl, so she was a flyer on her squad. While it was entertaining to watch her and the other teams do their routines, I was more interested in my conversation with Jasper while we watched from the bleachers.

Without much prying on my part, he explained that he had been coming home to spend time with his sister and also support her at those events since their parents rarely attended them. In his words, he "remembered what cheerleaders could be like," and he was concerned that she was at risk of certain bad influences. While Jane was a nice girl, she had always been vulnerable to the approval of others, and I could definitely see her turning into a "mean girl" or making poor choices just because it was what everyone else was doing. Without appropriate supervision (not to mention attention and love) from their parents, Jasper was constantly worried that she would fall into a bad crowd. He had thus taken it upon himself to be home whenever possible to act as a stand-in parent and role model.

My heart broke for both of them as he confessed all his concerns to me. That shouldn't have been his responsibility, but it would have been completely out of character for Jasper to behave any other way; he had always been very protective of his sister.

When I questioned him about Maria, hinting that perhaps he was coming home so frequently to avoid her, he quickly corrected me. He said that seeing her around campus with someone else reinforced his understanding that he was better off without her in his life. He did, however, feel bad about all the time he had spent with her when he could have been with Jane, which I gathered was another reason he was so adamant about his weekends home and being around for her so much.

Jane agreed to stay home Saturday night and have a movie night with us, and she was so sweet and adorable as she cuddled up next to me. Her personality had really blossomed in the last couple years, and I could hardly believe that she was finishing up tenth grade already. She seemed to crave the "girl time" with me, so when she begged me to come over and hang out again on Sunday, I agreed, laughing all the while at how animated and excited she was.

I was floored by a huge reality check that day when Jasper went out to run some errands and pick up lunch, leaving Jane and I alone at the house.

"Oh my god, I'm so glad he's gone!" Jane said excitedly, bouncing on her bed and clapping her hands together rapidly. "Now we can talk about boys!"

"Boys, huh?" I replied wryly, raising my eyebrows at her.

"Yes!" she squealed before launching into her story. "There's this guy, Felix, who's on the basketball team, and he is like, _so_ hot. And he asked me to hang out! But I don't know because even though he's super yummy, he sort of dated my friend Chelsea, and I feel like it might be super weird if I slept with a guy she did before, you know?"

My jaw dropped, and I had to take a few seconds to process everything before I could respond.

"Wait. You're considering having sex with this guy who has only asked you out once?"

"Sure, it's not like he would be the first one," she shrugged.

_Holy shit. Holy motherfucking shit. I guess Jasper's concerns really are valid... _

"Jane...are you serious? You're, uhh, sexually active already?" I stared her down, and the chipper look fell from her face.

"Don't talk to me like that, Bella. You're not my mother," she scowled, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly. "It's bad enough when Jasper gets all preachy to me. I thought you were more fun than him!"

I knew I needed to stop and think for a minute. This was clearly a delicate situation - one I hadn't expected at all - and I needed to handle it with care. I took a deep breath and looked her square in the eyes, reaching out and placing my hand lightly on her knee.

"Sweetie, I didn't mean to upset you; I'm just surprised. You're only fifteen, and even though I'm sure there are other girls your age having sex, I wasn't expecting you to be one of them."

"Well, how old were you when you started having sex?" she asked, softening.

"Who says I have?" I replied, slightly teasing.

She looked at me skeptically, but I knew she didn't buy it.

"I was in college," I told her honestly. "And I was with someone I loved very much at the time."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"And what about Jasper? How old was he? I know you have to know."

I felt about ten degrees hotter and had the urge to look away from her, but I didn't want to reveal anything. Still, it was nerve-wracking to be asked that question by Jasper's little sister when I had been the one to take his virginity.

"That's a question you need to ask him if you really want to know."

She scrunched her nose and huffed petulantly. "You're no fun."

"Um yeah, that is not about me being no fun, Janey. It's not my place to tell you."

"At least tell me if he was my age," she insisted.

Sighing, I gave in, just that little bit. "No, he was older, but you're not getting any more out of me."

She finally dropped it, but I knew that our conversation couldn't end there. There was no way that I could, in good conscience, feel comfortable if I didn't address a few important things.

"Jane, I need to ask you a few questions, and please be completely honest with me. Remember that I'm just looking out for you."

"Okay..."

"Three things: have you been using condoms, are you on birth control, and have you been to the doctor since this began?"

She looked at me nervously, twisting her hands in her lap. "Well, I've always made sure they used condoms, so that other stuff doesn't really matter, you know?"

I palmed my face, rubbing my hand up and down several times in a very unladylike fashion. "Yeah, that's not how it works, hun. Condoms aren't a magical guarantee that nothing will go wrong. They can break, and they're not one hundred percent effective for preventing pregnancy or STDs. Do you know every single person your previous partners have been with? And everyone _those_ people have been with? If not, you need to see a doctor and not only get tested, but you should be on birth control.

"And it's more than just that, Jane. Your doctor will check to make sure you're healthy in every way - that you're not at risk for cervical cancer or other reproductive issues. If you ignore it now and something is wrong, that could mean not being able to have children in the future."

I paused, noticing that tears had begun to stream down her face. That had not been my intention, but if that was the reality check she needed, then so be it. It was a serious matter.

"I'm not trying to scare you," I assured her, "but I want you to understand where I'm coming from. If you believe that you're mature enough to be having sex, you should be mature _and_ responsible enough to take care of your body. I'm only telling you all these things because I love you, and you're like a little sister to me, okay?"

Slowly, she began to speak to me again, sharing concerns about letting a doctor examine her, not wanting her parents to find out, and how she would pay for it. When Jasper returned home, I had just finished telling her that there was Planned Parenthood, and other organizations like it, who would provide services confidentially and for free to girls who were under eighteen years old. There was more to discuss, but that was not the time.

I told her we could finish our discussion later, and I volunteered to take her wherever and whenever she needed to go once everything was in order.

Before I left that evening, she pulled me aside and begged me not to tell Jasper anything about our conversation. I could see the worry and fear in her eyes, and even though it went against everything my gut was telling me, I agreed, with some conditions.

"Listen, Janey. I'll find the phone number of a clinic for you when I get home and e-mail you the information. I want you to make an appointment, and I will be there for you when the time comes. As long as you promise to take care of yourself appropriately and make better decisions, I will keep this between us. If you can't uphold your part, then I reserve the right to talk to your brother."

It was a bit manipulative of me, but it seemed fair in my book. If scare tactics and blackmail were the only way to get her to start thinking about her health and being responsible, I could live with that.

.

It was a Wednesday in July when I arrived home from my internship to find Jasper slumped against my apartment door, his head tipped back and his eyes closed.

"Jasper?" I said, pausing in front of him. When he opened his eyes, they were visibly red, and he was a complete mess - disheveled hair and stressed out look on his face.

"Shit, B, I've been trying to get a hold of you for hours."

"My phone's been off. I'm sorry," I said. "What's going on?"

I reached into my purse and fished out my keys as he stood. To my surprise, he took them from me and unlocked the door, welcoming himself in as I followed.

Jasper kicked off his shoes and tugged me to the couch. I dropped my purse and messenger bag on the floor, allowing him to pull me down. He leaned into me, burying his face in my neck and placing his weight on me so that I ended up half laying to support him. For a couple of minutes, he was quiet, so I put my arms around him and rubbed his back, waiting for an explanation.

Finally, he looked up at me, his forehead creased.

"I've been crashing at my dad's for the summer, you know? But since it's the middle of the week, Jane was at Mom's house, so I decided to go over there and see if she wanted to go into the city for the day."

He paused for a minute, but I waited until he was ready to continue.

"Long story short, Jane wasn't home alone. As in, there was a guy there...who I nearly beat the living fuck out of. Thank God I didn't see anything, but I know what happened and..._ahh_!" He growled as his words faded, and he dropped his face against me once more.

I wasn't really sure if I ever expected this day to come or not, but now that it was here, it was only appropriate for me to share my side of things with him, if only for his peace of mind.

"Hey, can you look at me?"

He peeked up, and I prompted him to sit up on the couch and face me. Clasping our hands together, I gave him an abridged, undetailed version of the day Jane had admitted her sexual activity to me. I told him that I had taken her to the gynecologist and made sure she was both educated on sexual health and protecting herself. On the way home from that visit, I had also made sure to discuss the emotional side of sex and the importance of being, shall we say, _selective_ about who she slept with. The conversation went much deeper than that and included some things for her to consider in regards to the reputation she may have been giving herself, but that was a whole other issue. For Jasper's sake, I simply told him enough so that he would understand that I had been there for Jane and had tried to help her make good decisions for herself.

"You really did all that?" he asked, staring at me with wide eyes.

"Of course I did. She's like family to me too, you know? She's been around since we were kids, and it's pretty tough for me to think of her as a teenager, too. But she needed someone to be there for her, and she wasn't really comfortable talking to you about that stuff. Understandably."

"No," he said suddenly, obvious very frustrated and perhaps a little hurt as well. "I'm her brother. I'm the one who has tried to make up for all the shit our parents have pulled and all their fuck ups. Why couldn't she talk to me about it?"

I scooted closer, keeping my expression soft as I spoke. "Hey now, she does love you, and even though she doesn't show it all the time, it's important to her that you're there when she needs it. But this is another issue entirely. She needed a woman's support, and I was glad I could be the one. If you need a reminder as to why she might not feel comfortable discussing her sex life with you, let's just refer back to your comments about wanting to murder her boyfriend."

I smiled and he chuckled humorlessly.

"Point taken."

I leaned back against the arm of the couch again and opened my arms to him. He returned to me, resting his head under a pile of my hair, and we stayed wrapped up in one another until his stomach growled and I laughed at him.

"Want to order a pizza and hang out?" I suggested.

He agreed, and after we were both stuffed and I had changed into some comfy clothes, he went cuddle-monster on me again, working his way back into my arms.

"Thank you. For everything," he said quietly, not moving his eyes from the television screen.

I patted his hand in acknowledgment, and we continued watching our movie.

I awoke on the couch Thursday morning with a stiff neck. I had to rush to get ready for work and then kick a very sleepy Jasper out when I left, but it all felt worthwhile. I could see that, even though he was still upset by what he learned about Jane, he had a new perspective on the situation. I was proud to have helped both Jane and Jasper.

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**E/N: In case you haven't seen, the FGB auction has closed and the donations are still coming in. Amazing stuff! I can't wait to read all the great fic that comes out of it! For those of you who have me on author alert, expect your inbox to be flooded for months to come! I was snatched up for 6 outtakes/originals, some PBJ, a collab with mskathy, and 2 novellas. Phew! (Yes, I'm an absolute nutter, but I couldn't resist doing it for the kids!) Thanks to everyone played a role in making this auction a success!**


	7. Somewhere In Between

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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Summer remained busy for me - more so than I had expected - and it seemed to be the same for Jasper. His band resumed a heavy practice schedule, and every time we spoke, he was telling me about a new song he was working on or something equally as exciting for him. It was nice to see a little life back in my friend, and it was a relief to know he had moved beyond the initial trauma of the Jane situation. Once he accepted that she was being safe, even if he didn't like that she was sexually active, his weekends home became a little less frequent. He seemed more comfortable with everything, which I was very happy to see.

As fall set in, bringing with it my final year of college, I was always on the go. I wanted to do well in my courses, but I also understood the value of the limited time I had left with my friends from school. Living in an environment where I had instant access to the people I had grown to love and cherish over the last four years was sure to be something I would miss. My post-graduation plans were still up in the air, so there was no promise that any of us would end up in the same place.

Jasper's band, Lost Like You, had been playing local venues and colleges around the area, and I could count on two hands how many times he had asked me to come see them. With each request that I blew off, my guilt grew for not being there to support him, so when he told me about a Battle of the Bands they were playing in Seattle, I knew I had to go. I gathered up a carload of friends, and that Friday in mid-October, we drove down to the city to enjoy the bands and see Jasper.

The venue was in the basement of a popular bar, and with over a dozen acts on the schedule, the place was packed. We didn't arrive until about halfway through since Lost Like You was the third to last act. I had a hard time locating Jasper, but I eventually spotted him when he and his bandmates were carrying their equipment in through a side entrance.

"Jasper!" I called, pushing through the crowd to get closer. He finally looked up, shaggy blond hair falling in his eyes, and smiled widely at me. I could just imagine how his flirtatious demeanor and adorable dimples made the crowd go wild when he was on stage.

"Hey!" he yelled back, setting down his guitar case carefully and meeting me with open arms. "You made it!"

He hugged me tightly, lifting my feet off the ground and swaying me in his arms.

"Are you guys on next? I thought there was one more before you."

"There is," he confirmed. "We were just bringing everything in so it's ready when we need to get set. Why don't you come on out with me while I finish up, and you can meet the guys, yeah?"

I agreed and followed him outside to where a big Yukon Denali was parked and several guys around our age were unloading guitars and a drum kit.

Jasper introduced me to Brady and Jared, who played bass and lead guitar, respectively, and by the time we had gotten through those greetings, a voice came from behind us.

"Flirting with the fans already, guys? We haven't even played yet!"

Whoever had spoken clearly meant it in jest, and when I spun around to see the source of that sarcastic teasing, I was pleasantly surprised. The guy was about the same height as Jasper, but he had a little more muscle, especially in his arms. His hair was a dark brown, possibly black, but his light blue eyes completely contrasted it. I didn't know who he was or why I was so affected by him, so I looked to Jasper for an explanation.

"Bella, this is Peter, our drummer. Petey, meet Bella. We grew up together."

"Ah yes, the girl next door. It's a pleasure to meet you," he said with a dangerously charming smile, lifting my hands to his lips and kissing my knuckles. All of the other guys groaned, effectively breaking me from his spell, and the five of us chattered casually for a few more minutes before they resumed unloading their instruments.

I dragged Jasper away to meet my friends, but from across the bar, I kept stealing glances at Peter. He was unquestionably attractive, but there was something else about him. Maybe it was the twinkle in his bright eyes, or perhaps it was the way he stood out from his bandmates and most of the other performers. He was much more clean-cut and preppy than anyone else. His hair was short, his face was shaved, he wore dark jeans, and his shirt, while still a T, was from Banana Republic. I couldn't deny that I wanted to stare at his pretty face, but I also found myself trying to figure him out and understand his place in the band. Despite my analysis of his personal style, the guys all seemed to be good friends and get along well.

Soon enough, it was time for Lost Like You to play, and I was seriously impressed. Jasper had played songs for me or sent me recordings they'd done from time to time, but none of it compared to the sound they created on stage together. Jasper sang and played guitar, of course, but Brady and Jared also backed him up on vocals. The melodies were driving and upbeat, yet full of emotion, pulling the audience in and keeping them captivated. I wasn't quite sure how to classify their music - maybe as modern alternative rock - but I liked it, regardless of any titles or categories.

It was disappointing that each band was only able to play three songs because I really wanted to hear more. I also wanted an excuse to stare at Peter without being obvious about it. He was just as passionate about the music as the other guys, and I had really enjoyed watching the muscles in his arms flex as he pounded away on the drums.

All in all, the guys had a killer performance, and the crowd absolutely loved them. It took them until about halfway through the next band to get all their equipment loaded back into the Yukon, but once it was set, they joined us at the bar to watch the rest of the show. Jasper was immediately flocked by adoring female fans, of course. I smiled widely when Peter approached me and struck up a conversation.

We continued to talk and hang out together for over an hour while the rest of the bands performed and the judges tabulated the votes from the crowd and their panel scores. When the house music was lowered and the Battle of the Bands promoter stepped up on stage, Jasper, Brady, and Jared gathered near Peter and me.

All of the bands were thanked for participating, as well as everyone who came out to support them. Then the top three bands were announced. The third won some concert tickets from a local radio station, second would get free recording time at a local studio, and first received a combination of the other prizes, plus an opening spot when a famous band played Seattle the following month. Everyone waited anxiously as the third place winner was announced.

Then it happened. The promoter shouted, "Lost Like You!" into the microphone, announcing their second place victory. Everyone around us jumped and screamed, giving hugs and high fives in congratulations. Peter snatched me up immediately, twirling me around in a circle before passing me off to Jasper so he could hug the other guys. Everyone was flying high and so happy. They really deserved the acknowledgement.

The bar stayed open for a while longer, and everyone stuck around, drinking and celebrating together. Peter returned to me, speaking even more animatedly after the big second place win. As the night drew to a close and my friends were all ready to head home, Peter really turned on the charm.

"Come back to campus with us. We're all going to keep on partying. It'll be fun."

I bit my lip and dropped my eyes to the floor, trying not to succumb to the alluring look in his eyes. I was totally crushing on this guy, and I was finding it very difficult to say no to him.

"I want to," I started. "I really do, but I have all my friends here with me, and they want to go home."

"So come with us. I can give you a ride back tomorrow. You know Jasper would, too. Please?" He dragged out his final request, giving me _the eyes._

_Oh, you know what look I'm talking about._

"Another time. I promise," I offered, trying to placate him.

"Tomorrow?" he asked hopefully.

"Maybe."

"We're playing again. On campus. A full show."

I thought about seeing an entire set...an opportunity to watch Peter work the drums, his toned muscles flexing through the beats he created...and that intense look on his face...

"All right. Tomorrow."

"Excellent," he smiled triumphantly.

I smiled back, unable to help myself when he looked at me that way. "Call me then. Jasper has my number."

With that, he took my hand and raised it to his mouth, just as he had when we met earlier. He slowly caressed my knuckles with his lips, and I swear I almost changed my mind about going home.

We worked things out the next day, and I went to see Lost Like You play at UW Tacoma. Jasper sounded amazing and really kept the crowd going, and Peter...I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was sexy as hell on the drums, and as soon as they finished playing, I let him pull me into a dark corner and kiss me hard up against a wall.

For the next month, I was driving out to Tacoma every weekend to hang out with the guys, go to their shows, and spend time with Peter. He continued to charm me, and it was just _fun_. The distance between our respective universities and the limited time we got to spend together kept us from labeling what we were to one another, but I was falling for Peter. Jasper never seemed to voice his opinion on it, so I just assumed he was cool with everything. What reason did I have to believe he wouldn't be? We were good enough friends that he would tell me if he objected.

It turned out that I was wrong.

The Sunday before Thanksgiving break, I got a call from Jasper. I had been out to their campus Friday night, but I had to head back to the city early on Saturday, so I didn't get a full weekend with Peter and the guys.

"What's up, J?" I asked casually.

"Umm, not a whole lot today," he said, pausing for a moment. "Listen, Bella, there's something I need to ask you."

"Sure. Go ahead."

"Okay, so, how serious are you about Peter?"

I wasn't quite sure how to respond. Jasper had seen us together, so why would he be asking?

"I don't know. I like him a lot, but the distance sucks."

Jasper exhaled loudly, making me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

"There's really no good way for me to bring this up, so I'm just gonna go for it. I hope you understand it's because I care about you and don't want to see you hurt."

"What?" I demanded.

"Peter hooked up with this girl last night," he said, a hint of anger in his tone. "I don't think it was the first time. And I don't think he has any intention to stop. Or tell you. I'm sorry, Bella."

No, Peter and I hadn't said we were exclusive or anything, but I thought... Well, I certainly didn't think he would be hooking up with someone else. Maybe it was naïve of me to assume, but it still hurt. A lot.

"B, are you crying?"

"No," I lied, sniffling and swiping away the unwanted tears.

"Yes you are. Fuck. I'm sorry, Bella. I should have told you that Peter is sort of a serial dater, but you're old enough to choose who you fool around with. I didn't want to piss you off with my opinions."

"I just don't understand. He's your friend..."

"Yeah, and Heidi is your friend. Doesn't mean you share her philosophy on guys, right?"

"True," I said.

After a little more conversation, Jasper admitted that he was in the car, on his way to see me. He hung out until late Sunday night, and when Thanksgiving break came a few days later, we got to spend a little more time together at home. That time together helped me avoid getting too worked up over the psuedo breakup, and I was grateful to have Jasper there – to be honest with me and to support me afterward.

I stopped going to Tacoma on the weekends after that, but Jasper came to see me from time to time. In the spring, he called me, livid, because Peter had quit the band less than a week before they were going to use the recording studio time they had won at the Battle of the Bands. Apparently, Peter didn't feel like he had the time to commit to being pre-med and in a band at the same time. I was infuriated for Jasper's sake and because it rehashed some of my disdain for how things had turned out between me and Peter.

"Sounds like I'd better come there this weekend. I feel a tequila binge is in order," I suggested.

Jasper liked my idea, and when I visited, we headed to the bar and went shot for shot all night long. When Peter unexpectedly came in with a tiny blonde girl hanging on his arm, Jasper slammed his glass down on the bar and wrapped his arms around me possessively.

That was the first time Jasper ever kissed me in public. I wasn't sure if he was making some kind of statement to his former friend or if I was the one trying to stick it to Peter, but we didn't stay at the bar long enough to care. We made our exit after one more shot, and when we got back to Jasper's apartment, my clothes were off before we even made it to his bedroom.

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**E/N: ****Bear with me. Lot's of notes...**

**First of all, OMG - Peter! If you know me, you understand that it hurt to make him be a jerk in the end, but as with Maria, these are college kids who make mistakes and do shitty, selfish things sometimes. We all need our past experiences, heartaches, and mistakes to help us grow and learn.  
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**Review replies from Ch. 6 will be done, I promise. I do want to say that I never intended that chapter to make an outright social or political statement. It was a situation that Bella faced and realized she _had to_ help with. She did it because it's part of who she is, because she loves Jane, and because she understood it would be for Jasper's sake too. However you took it, I appreciate those of you who shared your reflections on the subject with me.  
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**Since I can never say it enough, thanks to everyone reading. Whether you've read my stuff before, you're a curious J/B lover, you came along because it's for Elle, or you just happened to stumble upon the story, I truly and sincerely appreciate your support. xoxo  
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**Note on the band's name- A while ago, I asked Elle for band name ideas for Jasper. One of those involved the word "lost," which got me thinking... The Confederate Army/attempts of the South to break away from the North are often referred to as the Lost Cause. - - - St. Jude Thaddeus is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes. - - - A band I loooove, Anberlin, has a song called *Fin. One of the lyrics in the song is "Patron Saint, are we all lost like you." Thus, Lost Like You. =)**


	8. We Might As Well Be Strangers

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread.**

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I stared down at my phone, the display screen still saying, _Call ended 2:07._

_What had just happened?_

"Hey, what's the matter with you?" my roommate, Angela, asked. "When I walked out of the room you were still bouncing around and smiling."

"I...I don't think Jasper's very happy for me."

Angela dropped down to the sit next to me on my couch, wrapping an arm around my waist. My head lolled to the side, coming to rest on her shoulder as we sat back together.

During spring training, my step-father, Phil, had been bumped up to the Majors and was now playing for the Tampa Bay Rays. He and my mom made the move from Jacksonville to Tampa a couple months ago, and almost as soon as they got there, Phil had the brilliant idea to see if I could get a job working in the Rays sales office.

As it turned out, they were indeed interviewing for new sales people, many of whom were preparing to graduate from college as well. I made it through the first round of screening with a long phone interview, and after making a visit for a face to face meeting, they had told me they would be in touch. Less than an hour ago, I'd received that phone call, along with a job offer in group sales. I could hardly believe I had a job secured for after graduation, let alone working in Major League Baseball!

I'd called my mom and Phil first, of course, and they were ecstatic. The call to Dad came next, and even though the position meant moving all the way across the country, he couldn't have been prouder of his little girl. He made peace with the situation knowing that I would be close to my mom. It didn't hurt that he was an avid baseball fan who would now be able to brag to all his friends about my career in the sports market.

It honestly was a great opportunity, despite starting at the bottom of the ladder and knowing I'd have to work my ass off for commissions. Having grown up around my baseball loving father and my step-dad, the professional athlete, I knew quite a bit about the sport. I was genuinely excited. The only downfall was that I'd be making the move less than a week after graduation in early May.

After speaking to my parents - and Angela as well, since she was there when I got the call - Jasper was the first person I'd wanted to share my big news with, naturally. Instead of the hearty congratulations I expected, he sounded detached and disinterested when I spoke to him. His lack of enthusiasm hurt, and it had effectively killed my great moment.

"Why wouldn't he be more excited for me, Ange?" I asked, curling myself into her body for comfort.

"Oh, sweetie, I don't know. Maybe you just caught him at a bad time or something." She stroked my hair from the top of my head down my back and repeated the cycle several times soothingly. "You know how guys are."

"Yeah," I said, sitting up. "Guys. But not Jasper. I mean, he's _Jasper_. It was like he didn't even care. I mean, does he have any idea how hard it is to get a job straight out of college?"

She didn't respond, instead resuming her little silent comforts. I breathed heavily, trying to find a way to quiet my mind and get over this, but dammit, I needed him to celebrate this with me! I wanted to call him back and demand to know why he was being so blasé about the whole thing, but instead, I turned off my phone and tossed it on the coffee table.

Eventually, Angela straightened up, pulling me with her so that we were both upright on the couch and facing one another to have a conversation.

"Bella, I'm going to suggest something, and I just want you to listen before you say anything, okay?"

I eyed her warily, curious and apprehensive about where she was going with this. I waited, losing my patience as her face wavered through the signs of ever-changing thoughts.

"Spit it out, Ange, or I'm going to my room."

"All right, all right," she said, holding her hands up in submission. "Here's the thing; maybe it's not that Jasper isn't happy for you about the job. I think that he's probably upset you're moving so far away. I mean, you've been friends forever, and with everything that has, well, _happened_ between you, it could be a little shocking to feel like he's losing you."

"First of all," I interrupted, "he's not losing me. Just because I'm moving doesn't mean we'll stop being friends. Second, anything that's _happened_ is insignificant. Anytime we were more than friends was always the product of circumstance and nothing more."

I watched as Angela scooted back a little more, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at me. "You're so full of shit. That or you're in denial. No one just has casual sex with their best friend. I don't buy it."

I sighed heavily, shaking my head at her. Angela was the only person who knew the full extent of my sexual history with Jasper. It was far too complicated of a situation to explain to other people, but she and I had been friends since our first semester of freshman year, and I knew that whatever I shared with her was done so in confidence. At that moment, however, she was staring at me skeptically.

"Don't you judge me," I snapped defensively.

"Bella," she said, softening. "I've never judged you. For anything. Especially not this." She uncrossed her arms, reaching out until I gave her my hand. With a firm squeeze, she looked at me pleadingly.

"Sorry."

"It's fine," I promised. "I just think you're reading way more into this than there really is."

"Fair enough. But what if I'm not?" she challenged. Her face was serious again, and I knew I wasn't going to get out of this one easily. "Have you ever stopped to think about how _you_ feel about him?"

I took a deep, exaggerated breath just to bug her, preparing my defense.

"Ange, Jasper and I have had sex three times in like, three years. We've hung out on more occasions than I can count in that time, so the sex falls into the minority, thus insignificant. Plus, they were all situational."

She didn't look convinced. "How so?"

"You know all this," I replied flatly. "Why do I have to explain it again?"

"Because I said so. Get on with it."

"Fine," I grumbled. "The first time was because he didn't want to lose his virginity to some random girl, and I was familiar and safe. It wasn't something romantic or lovey dovey. It was just me doing him a favor."

I ignored the way my darling roommate rolled her eyes at me.

"The next time was right after Maria broke up with him. He was vulnerable and needy."

"Yeah, but he told you that you were the only other person he'd slept with," she added quickly.

I fired back with my own defense. "Right, which only proves my point that I'm 'safe.' He was still hurting over her, and he knew being with me wouldn't put his heart on the line again. Not to mention that he'd been with her for so long that he was probably used to getting laid whenever he wanted. I'm sure he was feeling horny after almost two weeks of not getting any."

"And what about the last time? How do you explain that? It wasn't that long ago, you know."

"Umm yes, I was there. I remember."

"Shut up, you snarky brat!" she said, shoving my shoulder playfully. "Stop avoiding."

"Whatever. Last time was alcohol induced, first of all. And let's not forget that whole thing with Peter," I added, cringing. "It was a dig from both of us."

Angela attempted to bring up more details that she claimed pointed to deeper feelings and other nonsense, but I managed to brush off all her suggestions and put an end to it. Our conversation had not helped me get over my frustration with Jasper and his cold attitude, so I just wanted to forget it.

She was wrong anyway. There was nothing more to the few times Jasper and I had slept together than sex. It happened when it was convenient for him or he needed something. We were able to continue being friends after each time because we both understood that truth. I never saw any point in getting overly emotional about it; our friendship was the most important thing to me. We had sexual chemistry, but that didn't mean I was going to act like some stupid, clingy little girl just because he used me to get off.

I refused to allow myself to think about that conversation with Angela any further. Even though she knew the surface details, she was reading things into my relationship with Jasper that just weren't there. With so many other arrangements to make before graduation and relocating to Florida, I didn't have the time or energy to waste over-analyzing things, only to become more frustrated.

Everything would be fine with Jasper, and whatever his problem was, we'd move past that and go back to normal.

.

The last few weeks of school flew by, especially with my upcoming move. I spent every moment of my time studying for finals or planning and packing for Tampa. Any time I could salvage in between was devoted to my dad or my college friends.

Jasper came to my graduation with my family and spent my final couple of days in Washington helping pack up the boxes of clothes and mementos I was going to have shipped to Florida. It wasn't worth the cost to take my car or any of my big stuff such a long distance, so Mom and Phil were going to help me with all those details once I'd settled in.

Saying goodbye sucked, but Jasper spent the night at my dad's house with me, just talking and playing slow, quiet songs on his guitar until we both passed out. I was grateful for his help and that time we were able to spend together, but it was somber. I felt like he was there with me, yet not completely _there_. It hurt that he was still acting so detached with me; what could I do though? Plans had been made, and I was leaving.

In the morning, he rode with us to the airport and gave me a big hug and kiss on the forehead. His mood was still a little distant but nowhere near as harsh as our phone call when I told him about the job. I promised to keep in touch, and he promised to come visit me at the beach sometime. And that was it.

.

I hit the ground running in Tampa, and from day one, my life was consumed with work, Rays games, meeting new people, and getting my life in order. Since I worked during the days and had to be at pretty much every home game, either working sales tables, answering phones, or schmoozing with clients, I literally had no time to myself. If I had a free moment, I might have missed home and my loved ones back there. Nevertheless, I was really enjoying my fast paced new lifestyle, and I was quickly acclimating to the sunny, hot weather.

By late August, I could hardly believe I had been there over three months already. Around that time, a lengthy email arrived in my inbox from Jasper, sending my mind reeling and making my temper flare.

In it, he explained that Lost Like You had found a new drummer just after I moved and had practiced nonstop for a month so they could go into the studio and record a dozen or so songs. The producer they used had shared their music with some friends, and a fairly established alt-rock band had invited them to come on their nationwide tour as an opening act.

Apparently, they jumped on the invitation, because Jasper was dropping out of college to go on tour with his band.

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**E/N: So...is she in denial or is Angela on the right track?**

**Apologies for the delay. New job, munchkin home from her 3 week trip to the grandparents, family in town. Phew!**

**I have 2 entries in the Alternate Shippers Challenge. Please support the contest by reading entries, reviewing, and voting =)**

**I'm also judging 2 upcoming contests - Love for the Unloved 2010 & Beyond the Pale. Both are sure to be AMAZING, so check them out, enter, and vote! Deets in my profile.  
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	9. I Shall Believe

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle, who got to meet _her_ Jasper while at Comic Con! Extra special thanks to Chele & Kath, who have continued working on this story despite their travels, vacations, and time spent at CC. I adore all three of you & wish I could have gone to CC & met you.**

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I loved and hated my job with the Rays. While it was fast paced, fun, and exciting in a lot of ways, it was also extremely competitive. There were almost a dozen sales people in my department, as well as there being other ticket sales divisions in the office. Everyone was working for their commissions, so there were times when it was very cutthroat, despite the friendships we formed as co-workers. Over the course of the season, I learned a whole hell of a lot about the working world and how money and ambition could change people.

There was very little I disliked about Tampa, though. Sure, it could get so hot and humid you'd feel like you were melting, but the fun atmosphere of the Tampa/St. Petersburg area outweighed that for me. The sudden bursts of rain on the Bay never bothered me, considering that I had grown up in Seattle.

My mom and I grew closer, especially since she was always at the games supporting Phil, and I was so grateful for that opportunity to strengthen our relationship. I found it difficult to be away from Charlie indefinitely, but we still talked regularly ‒ every Sunday, in fact. Since I was three hours ahead of him, he would call before his early morning fishing excursions when I was having my coffee.

Keeping up with college friends was a little more difficult, as we were now spread out around the country. Most had stayed in or around Seattle, or at least on the West Coast, so I was in the minority. It sucked that I had to rely on Facebook and email to keep up with many of them, but I did what I could to stay in touch.

Despite my disappointment in Jasper for dropping out of school, I still followed his band's blog as well as the Twitter account he had created while on tour. Things seemed to be thriving for them, which was great, though I couldn't help but roll my eyes when I looked through the "Fan Submitted Pictures" on the site; nearly every one including a group of girls surrounding (or hanging on) the guys, especially Jasper. I could only imagine how much he was partying and enjoying the "spoils" of his little rockstar lifestyle.

I could always tell when the strain of being on the road weighed heavily on Jasper because that's when I would get phone calls from him. He'd tell me about the cities they'd visited and how many CDs they were selling at their shows. Mostly, though, he would tell me he missed me and how much he wished he could come visit. Of course, he never did. The band was too busy, so I'd often tease him by saying that he couldn't possibly have time to miss me when he was always surrounded by all the adoring fans and groupies.

However, those calls were few and far between, and there was little I could do about that. I _did_ miss my friend, but it felt like our lives were on opposite ends of the spectrum. It was simpler to just keep doing my thing and let him do his than to focus too much energy on how our friendship had changed.

Work kept me occupied through the year, and the off-season was surprisingly busy reorganizing staff and sales plans. I received a small promotion and focused my attention on that, spending time with friends and dating casually in between. I had convinced Charlie to come down for Christmas, so I hadn't been back to Washington at all since moving.

My second summer came around, and I could hardly believe that I'd been in Florida for over a year when Jasper sent me a text stating that Lost Like You would be playing Tampa in July. They were touring with a couple of other bands now and negotiating a deal with a small record label in the meantime. Naturally, he wanted me to attend their show, and I wanted to go as well, but we were playing the Yankees that night. There were certain circumstances when it was impossible to get out of working a game, and that was one of them.

The night of the show approached, and I did everything I could to get out of work as early as possible. By what must have been some divine power, my supervisor gave in and let me leave before the game ended. If I'd had to wait until afterward, the parking lot and traffic out of St. Pete would have been crazy. Thankfully, I escaped with little trouble and made it back over the bridge in no time. Not wanting to miss out on another minute of Jasper's show, I didn't bother changing, even though it meant I would look completely out of place in heels, charcoal gray slacks, and a tailored white button-up.

The bouncer gave me a funny look at the door and told me the concert was sold out, but when I showed my ID and said I was on the guest list, he put a brightly colored wristband on me and let me in. I followed the thump of the drums and the flashing lights from the stage down a corridor until I came out to a crowd of a couple hundred, all pushed up toward the band. I smiled immediately when I saw Jasper center stage, his guitar hanging from the strap over his shoulder as he gripped the mic stand with two hands, angling it toward his mouth. His expression was intense, but I could see in his posture that he was having fun.

I carefully worked my way closer, weaving through gaps in the crowd toward the stage. My lips involuntarily formed the words to the songs, singing along to old familiar tunes I had heard at their shows long ago. Looking around at the other concert-goers, I noticed that their wristbands were bright pink, while mine was electric blue. Upon closer inspection, I saw the words _SPECIAL ACCESS_ in bold print. Assuming that meant I could get past security to the bands-only area, I changed my path and headed toward the side of the stage.

It took me another full song to get there, but when I showed my wristband, the heavily muscled man in a bright yellow shirt let me stand at the side of the stage. Jasper happened to glance in my direction and did a double take. He continued singing and playing his guitar, but his eyes stayed locked on mine for several seconds, his lips stretching into a huge smile that revealed deep dimples. I waved, smiling just as widely and bobbing my head to the music. They wrapped up that song, and Jasper cued the guys to stop for a moment, moving toward the center of the stage with his back to the crowd. When they finished whatever they were talking about, Brady moved his mic stand closer to Jasper's and stepped back.

"Is everyone having a good time tonight?" Jasper asked the crowd. He received a slew of whoops and cheers in return. "Well, Tampa, there is an old friend of Lost Like You here tonight, so let's see if we can get her up on stage with us! Come on out, Bella!"

My stomach dropped to my feet immediately, and my eyes widened in disbelief at Jasper. There was no way I could get up there on stage with them! Sure, I had done some drama in high school, but those were bit parts in front of a hometown crowd, not _singing_ in front of a group of strangers. But of course the guys egged the crowd on, and Jasper held his hand out in my direction, giving me a beckoning look I couldn't deny. No one else may have seen it, but his eyes were pleading with me in a way that affected me far more than any cheering crowd or spoken request ever could. It was as though he needed me to take the stage with him, perhaps to affirm that we were still _us_; whatever the crowd thought didn't matter.

And I wanted to do that for him. I wanted to do it for us, no matter how nervous or on-the-spot I felt. That was what he brought out in me.

For a few moments, I closed my eyes and remembered all the times Jasper and I had sat together on his back porch. I recalled the distance in his eyes the last time we saw each other before I moved, and I didn't want to replace the hopeful look he wore at this moment with another forlorn expression. I took a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes, all I could see was Jasper. He mouthed, _"Come on, B,"_ to me, cocking his head toward the stage, and it was enough to pull me out there with him.

With my head down and an embarrassed grin, I walked out in front of the crowd. I was grateful that the bright lights blinded me from everyone other than the first few rows of people. Jasper gave me a firm side hug, nudging me toward Brady's mic.

"This one's actually the bonus track on our album. You can pick it up back there on the merch table. We'll be around to sign stuff and say hello after the show. Let's hit it, boys."

With that, drumsticks tapped and guitars blasted back to life. I recognized the song as one that Jasper had written and taught me years ago, and I searched my memories for the lyrics. As soon as he started in on the first verse, it came back, and by the chorus, I was singing along quietly. Jasper watched me, his head tipped in my direction, and he nodded his head as I picked up the vibe and got more into it. I let him take the second verse, and by the next round through the chorus, he stepped back, leaving me to carry it myself. I sang a little louder, forced to be a bit bolder, and I even managed to glance out at the crowd a few times. I had to admit to myself that it was fun, even if I did feel like a nervous wreck. He rejoined me, finishing the song in harmony. I felt such a rush as the crowd erupted in hollered cheers and applause. Jasper gave me another big hug, kissing the top of my head before I retreated from the stage.

Someone handed me a bottle of water, and I chugged it gratefully as I watched their last few songs. After a long, loud encore, Jasper announced that they were looking for a place to crash for the night if anyone had room. I yelled his name from the side, giving him an incredulous look and pointing to myself.

"Nevermind, folks. It looks like our guest singer is brave enough to put up four men for the night! Thanks, Tampa!"

After he had unplugged his guitar and carried it offstage to put away, I grabbed his arm and asked why he didn't just plan to stay with me in the first place.

"Well, you didn't know if you were going to make it, so I didn't want to impose."

"You're such an idiot," I chided him with a laugh. "You'll all have to duke it out over the futon, but you're always welcome with me."

"Does that mean I have to sleep on the floor?" he asked with a pout. "Or am I allowed to crash in your bed?"

I was tempted to make a sarcastic comment about letting their drummer ‒ who I had never actually met yet ‒ sleep there, but I thought that might not be in good taste after the whole Peter situation.

I tried to help pack up some of the equipment and instruments, but I was instructed to back off so that I wouldn't dirty up my "nice work clothes." Instead, I was introduced to the band's manager/sound tech as well as some of the guys from the other bands. I took it upon myself to retrieve a few beers for everyone once they were done.

While the third band played, I hung around with Jasper near the merchandise table as they all spoke to fans, signed CDs and T-shirts, and took pictures. As expected, an endless stream of giggling, scantily clad girls surrounded Jasper, thrusting their chests out toward him and licking their lips in attempts to look alluring. I wondered if that shit actually worked on him. He was friendly and sweet to everyone, flashing his killer smile, and based on their over the top squeals, presumably creating a lot of wet panties. I worried that my eyes were going to get stuck pointing toward my eyebrows from the number of times I rolled them at all the fangirls.

When things finally settled, Jasper took a seat on one of the barstools and pulled me back so I was leaning against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me close, with his chin resting on my shoulder while we watched the remainder of the show. He sang along to their songs, right in my ear, or talked to me about the friendships he'd developed with the other bands. Every once in a while, a fan would come along for an autograph or to buy him a drink, but most girls steered clear when they saw him with another woman.

After the crowd cleared and everything was loaded into their van, the guys followed me back to my apartment. We crowded around my coffee table, playing cards and drinking more. Jasper was funny and affectionate, keeping me close ‒ usually in his lap ‒ the entire time. It was so great to spend time with him, especially after how somber things had been before I moved. It was almost as though none of that mattered ‒ his bad attitude about my move or mine about his choice to ditch school for his rockstar pipe dreams. Just for tonight, we could be _us_ and forget all the bullshit and the way time had pulled us apart. We were having fun together, like old times, and that was all I wanted to think about.

The more beer we drank, the more laughter we all shared. The more we laughed, the more Jasper squeezed and tickled me. The more he tickled, the more I sank into the pleasure of his touch and craved more. His breath was hot on my neck, igniting sensations that the alcohol running through my bloodstream did nothing to help me resist. It just felt so fucking good to be held, to be touched, to be near him.

I got up for a bathroom break and a moment away from the growing sexual tension, and when I came out, Jasper was sprawled across my bed, hands tucked comfortably behind his head and eyes closed. He was humming something, wiggling his foot to the rhythm of the music in his head. I smiled at the image of his long, lean body stretched out; he seemed so content and drunkenly blissed out.

He opened one eye when he heard the door open, and his arms spread wide across the mattress. "Come here, beach girl."

I crawled onto the bed and curled up on my side, resting my cheek on his bicep. His head tipped to face me, and he grinned lazily, throwing his other arm over me.

"I've never seen you with a tan," he observed, tracing his fingertips up my arm lightly. I had long since changed into a tank top and sleep shorts, so my sun-kissed limbs were exposed to his wandering touch. "Why'd you cut your hair?"

"It was only a few inches," I replied. "It's about a million degrees here on any given day, and it was a little heavy. It's still long though."

"Yeah, I guess."

Carefully, he reached back and pulled the band out of my hair, releasing it from the sloppy bun I had thrown it into. As he ran his fingers through the long strands, smoothing them out, my hand wandered up his neck, mirroring his actions.

We moved closer together, our bodies pressing tighter and shifting occasionally...dangerously. For a while, we were silent.

"J," I whispered. "What are we doing?"

"Hmm? Snuggling," he answered sleepily.

"Does that mean we're going to bed?"

"Sure."

"Okay. I'm gonna hit the lights. Get under the covers."

When he allowed me to move off the bed, I crossed the room and flipped the switch to turn off the lights and set the ceiling fan on low. I returned to the side I had been on, even though I normally slept on the other side of the bed, but I didn't mind letting Jasper sleep there for tonight. His chest was bare when I settled myself on my pillow, and I noticed that he was only wearing a pair of boxer briefs. Not that it mattered; I'd seen him in less.

I left some space between us, but he wasn't having any of that. He rolled toward me immediately, tucking his face under my chin and kissing my neck lightly. "I miss you, B."

"I miss you too. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

He shifted closer, his body pressing into the length of mine, and I realized just how "glad" he actually was to be there. Another kiss was laid against my neck, this time with wet lips dragging across my skin.

I knew we were both really drunk, and honestly a little emotionally skewed since it had been so long since we'd seen each other, but I didn't have the will to fight it. As much as Jasper craved the comforts of home when he was on the road, I did too, and he was the closest I had come since moving. He was familiar and easy to be with, a sharp contrast to my current life where everything seemed to move in fast forward. In some strange, inexplicable way, it felt natural; having him near me felt good. So I let his hands trail down my sides and pull my tank top off, exposing the expanse of my body to him. He took my shorts next and followed them with his.

He was warm and inviting ‒ safe ‒ as he kissed my body and lips, letting his hands explore wherever he could. Through the beer haze, I arched into his touch, sucking his familiar scent in through my nose and letting the air escape my lungs in breathy pants. It was slow and fast, fun and sensuous all at once. I came twice from his careful attention, and he collapsed against me, moving only when he needed to go throw away the condom.

I didn't know if it was the lingering effects of the alcohol or something else in my head, but as we lay together spooning, a small laugh escaped my lips.

"What's so funny?" he asked, nuzzling my hair.

"I was just thinking about all your little groupies. I hope you didn't mind missing out on all their attention tonight."

Jasper's body slid away from mine abruptly, leaving me to turn and face him in question.

"What the fuck, Bella?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

He shook his head and buried his face in the pillow for a moment. "Why would you say something like that?"

"Oh come on, Jasper. You're living the dream, right? I've seen the pictures on your blog. New towns and new girls, ready and willing, wherever you go."

His face was a blank slate as he rolled over, away from me.

After a minute of silence, I placed my hand on his shoulder and urged him to turn over. "Jas?"

He stayed on his side, refusing to look at me. "You know what? You're right; I do indulge sometimes, but those girls could _never_ compare to you. Why would you even try to make a comparison?"

Even though I still believed he would have hooked up with someone else tonight if I didn't live in Tampa, I felt guilty when I considered what he'd said. I couldn't really explain why I let this hook-up to happen between us again, but my words had obviously hurt him. That was the last thing I wanted.

"I'm sorry, J. I didn't mean…. I'm just sorry, okay?" With that, I moved closer to him, pressing my chest to his back, spooning him. He wove our fingers together over his stomach, and we settled comfortably.

"Yeah, okay," he replied softly. That was the last thing either of us said.

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I awoke sometime later to an empty bed. It was still dark, but I could feel a draft of thick summertime air permeating the air conditioning of my room. A moment later, I heard the strum of an acoustic guitar and realized that Jasper was out on the little patio outside my bedroom. I got out of bed, slipping into my tank top and shorts but forgoing anything underneath them. As I approached the sliding glass door, I noticed that it was open several inches. My eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, and I could see Jasper sitting in a chair, clad only in his underwear again. His bare feet were propped up on the railing, and his guitar rested in his lap as he played quietly.

I watched from the doorway for a few minutes as he began to sing. I recognized the song immediately, but he was playing it slower and in a different key than the original. Something in his voice made me shiver at the sound. There seemed to be so much longing that it was like he wasn't just playing the song, he was _feeling_ it. It was...haunting. I remained as silent as possible, observing his private moment and trying to decipher why he was awake at that late hour, out there, singing that song.

_"Not everything is gonna be the way you think it outta be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me  
Please say, honestly, you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe..."_

Without thinking, I pushed the sliding glass door open wide enough to step out onto the patio. The noise alerted Jasper, and he stopped strumming. The last chord he played hung in the air, fading away slowly as he looked at me. Unsure of what to say, I just stood there until he got up from his chair and enveloped me in a tight hug, his guitar bumping against my back as his arms wound around me. Wordlessly, he led me back inside and to my bed, leaving his guitar leaning against the wall.

As he wrapped me in his warm embrace once more, I fell into the security of having him near me. He was home away from home, and tomorrow he'd be gone. Trying to give him back a piece of the comfort he provided me, I held him tightly and drifted off to sleep.

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**E/N: You can listen to "I Shall Believe" on the JTO playlist. I included the Sheryl Crow version and a cover by...some guy whose name I can't remember. Jasper sings much prettier than him though ;) Links to my LJ are in my profile.**


	10. A Beautiful Mess

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle. Chele beta'd. MsKathy preread. My thanks to all 3, and my lovely readers/reviewers.  
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"Jasper!"

"Merry Christmas, Bella."

"Yeah, Merry Christmas to you, too. What's going on? Come in."

I opened the door wider so that he could step into my dad's house and warm up a little. I frowned when he didn't budge.

"I'm sorry, I really can't right now. Jane and I just got over to my dad's to pick him up, and we're headed to my uncle's house. Crazy day, you know?"

"Oh, of course," I replied, a little disappointed that he couldn't stay. We hadn't seen one another since he'd visited Tampa with the band. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"Will you be around tomorrow or the day after? We could do something then." He seemed hopeful but hesitant for some reason I couldn't quite distinguish.

I frowned. "I wish I would have known you were home. I have to fly out tomorrow morning."

"Bad timing," he said sadly. "I just got here last night."

I chuckled humorlessly, but more than anything, I missed him. It was easier to bury those feelings when we didn't see each other or talk much, but being face to face, my heart ached for him to have a more frequent presence in my life. He was just...my Jasper. Being here, back home in Bellevue, reminded me of childhood games in the neighborhood and quiet afternoons of reading and guitar on the back porch. But that wasn't my life anymore, and it certainly wasn't his.

"Well that sucks," I finally offered. "Are you coming home for Lauren Mallory's wedding?"

"I will if you are. Who the fuck gets married on Valentine's Day anyway?"

I burst out in a hard laugh. "Obviously, Lauren. It completely suits her."

"Yeah, it does," he agreed, smiling slightly.

Biting the inside of my cheek, I braced myself for my confession. "Uh huh, so...I'm bringing my...boyfriend. To the wedding. Charlie wants to meet him, and it seems like a good opportunity, so...yeah."

A hard look eclipsed Jasper's previously gentle expression. "What boyfriend?"

"I, uh, we've been dating for a while. I guess it just never came up."

"How long have you been dating him?" His voice was steely, and I sensed a little irritation.

"Since like, September or early October," I offered quietly, knowing I had made a mistake in this situation. "He's a nice guy," I added, as though that would make up for everything.

"Must be, if you're bringing him home to meet Charlie."

I just nodded and shrugged, mumbling some sort of acknowledgement. I knew this had to happen eventually, and to be honest, I wasn't really certain why I hadn't told Jasper prior to that moment. I had convinced myself it was because we didn't talk often, and there never seemed to be a context, especially in text messages, to just blurt out, "Oh, yeah I've been seriously dating someone for months." Jasper was clearly thrown off guard by my news, but it was difficult to tell if he was mad at me for having a boyfriend or hurt that I had kept something from him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. We haven't talked much and-"

Before I could continue, Jasper waved his hand dismissively and shook his head.

"It's fine. Whatever. I get to meet him in a couple months, so no problem, right?"

His words didn't match the flat tone of his voice as we discussed my current status or the upcoming trip. It made me feel a little guilty for not telling him about my relationship sooner. I honestly couldn't blame him for his reaction; he was supposed to be my best friend, and this was something significant, considering that I was bringing the boyfriend all the way across the country to meet my father and attend Lauren's wedding with me.

"Yup," I replied dumbly.

"Well anyway, I have to go," Jasper said quickly, pulling something out of his coat pocket. It was a thin square, gift wrapped in simple Christmas paper. "I just wanted to drop this off and say Merry Christmas."

I took the gift he had extended toward me and stuck my finger into the seam to pull the paper off. It was a CD.

"Advanced copy," he told me.

A huge smile lit my face, and I bounced a little in excitement. "I can't wait to listen to it! Anything I know on here?"

"Yeah, you'll recognize a couple," he said. His face returned to a softer, friendlier expression, and I was glad we wouldn't be ending our brief conversation on an awkward note. "I'll see you in February."

With that, he gave me a hug that didn't last nearly as long as I hoped it would, and I watched him walk down the driveway and across the yard toward his dad's house. A pang of disappointment burned in my chest, knowing those few minutes were all we'd have on this visit. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him until I felt the calm comfort of his arms around me. I should have called and made plans with him when I knew I'd be home for the holiday; now it was too late.

Later that day, after Christmas festivities with Charlie and my grandparents, I lay on my childhood bed with Lost Like You's new album playing in my old boom box. I flipped through the little book inside, glancing at song titles and lyrics. In the back, there were lists of thank-yous from all the band members. My eyes immediately went to Jasper's, and instead of a long list of names like the other guys, his was simple.

_"Jasper would like to thank God, my bandmates, my family, and most all, Bella. You're the words that come out easy."_

I recognized the words of his final statement, but I couldn't quite place them. Where had they come from? Regardless, seeing my name there in his brief thank you made me choke up, and I wasn't quite sure how to process that. Instead of pondering the meaning behind his note, I focused on the emotional, melodic collections of songs on the album and tried to fall asleep.

.

"Please tell me this isn't going to be a Catholic wedding. Ugh, have you ever been to one of those? They take forever!"

I reached over, intertwining my fingers with my boyfriend's and squeezing. "Relax. Lauren would probably burst into flames if she stepped into a church. Apparently the groom's family is loaded because everything is being held at their 'estate.'" I snarked, contorting my voice to a snooty tone with my final word. He chuckled at me and eased up a bit.

"You look hot. Only you would wear red to a wedding."

"Hey, it's Valentine's Day. I'm sure I won't be the only one. You don't look so bad yourself, either."

A few minutes later, we pulled up to the gates of the "Brentonshire Estate" and followed a line of cars to what could only be described as a mansion. Valets were handling the parking for everyone.

After climbing a large set of front steps, we entered the house and came into an atrium where a pre-ceremony cocktail hour was taking place. A string quartet was playing off to one side, and guests mingled throughout the large space.

"Bella!" I heard from across the room, and I looked in the direction of the voice to see Jane practically running at me, dragging Jasper behind her. She was all grown up now, halfway through college, and a beautiful young woman. She waved excitedly as she approached, and when she reached us, she flung her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly.

After she'd thoroughly squeezed me, Jane looked up at my guest, giving him the once over with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "Hey there, hot stuff. Who are you?"

I couldn't help but laugh at her antics as I introduced them. "Jane, this is my boyfriend Demetri. Demetri, this is Janey. She grew up down the street from my dad's. And her brother, Jasper," I said, gesturing toward him.

Demetri was cordial in his greetings, kissing Jane's hand and shaking Jasper's. There was a stony expression on Jasper's face as he looked Demetri up and down, scrutinizing his expensive, tailored suit. I noticed that he wouldn't meet my eyes, and I couldn't figure out why. Jasper was dressed nicely, of course, but his look came off much more casual and cool than Demetri's proper one.

"Can't say I've heard much about you," Jasper said blandly, "but I hope you've been taking care of this one or I'll have to kick your ass." With a wink that looked more malicious than teasing, Jasper placed his hand on Jane's back and mentioned something about finding a seat for the ceremony.

"What crawled up his ass?" Demetri asked.

"Watch your mouth!" I scolded him with a light smack on the arm. "They might kick you out of a place like this for swearing."

His mood lightened immediately as he shook his head.

"Don't worry about Jasper," I added. "We've known each other forever, and he's just a little overprotective. Let's go sit down."

After a reasonably short ceremony, guests were ushered into another part of the house for a second cocktail hour before dinner. It seemed like practically half of Bellevue and Seattle were present, so Demetri and I mingled, saying hello and making introductions to other high school acquaintances. I was not, in fact, the only woman in red, but my sweet talking boyfriend mentioned several times that he thought I was the best looking. I gave him skeptical looks each time, but I really did enjoy the flattery.

Dinner seating found us with Jasper, Jane, and a few other people who had grown up in our neighborhood, and I was honestly amused with Lauren for that. Even though most of us hardly knew each other anymore, the conversations were friendly and light.

As the night wore on and more alcohol was involved, Demetri became more touchy feely. That wasn't anything new to me; he was always a bit more handsy when he'd been drinking. He regaled the table with stories of his lucrative real estate career in the Bay area, selling beachfront properties to retirees, athletes, and other well-to-do part-time Florida residents.

"What about you, Jasper?" one of the other "neighborhood kids" asked at one point. "I'm sure you've met some interesting people while on tour. Any famous celebs or bands?"

"Oh, I'm sure no one wants to hear about me," he replied blandly. "Nowhere near as exciting as our buddy Mit over here."

"Mit?" Demetri asked, glaring at Jasper. Jasper's expression had turned just as hard.

"Well sure, you seem like a yacht club and croquet kind of guy. I thought it might be a more appropriate nickname for you and your golfing buddies," Jasper replied snidely.

"Thanks for the consideration," Demetri sneered, "but _Demetri_ works just fine."

The tension between them was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. Everyone at the table watched the strange spitting contest volley back and forth between the two men. It was perplexing, and I was getting upset by whatever the hell they were up to.

Just then, the band leader announced that all the single ladies needed to go to the dance floor for the bouquet toss, but I stayed frozen in my chair. Jasper turned his face toward me.

"You'd better go, Bella. You and Mr. Perfect might just be next. Go get your bouquet, girl."

Dumbfounded, I stared like an idiot with my jaw dropped open as he pushed his chair back forcefully and stormed out of the dining area. Jane looked helpless and Demetri moved to stand, but I pushed him back down into his chair.

"Just stay here. I'll be back."

Grabbing my purse, I practically ran after Jasper, following him into the atrium. When I finally caught up with him, I grabbed his wrist and pulled on him until he turned to face me.

"What the fuck was that?" I asked, whisper-yelling.

"Leave me alone." His voice was even, but there was anger boiling beneath the surface. I could see it in his eyes, and I wanted an explanation.

"No, I won't leave you alone. You're acting like a total ass, and I want to know what your problem is, Jasper."

He yanked himself free of my hold, walking away from me again and heading for the door. It was cold outside, but I still followed him. I was going to get my answers.

"Go away, Bella," he repeated through gritted teeth. We were far enough down the sidewalk that the valets wouldn't hear us, but his voice was still low and warning.

"No! Not until you tell me what's going on with you!"

He leaned over me, eyes full of anger and frustration. "You want to know my problem? I doubt you really do, but you asked for it. I think your boyfriend is a fucking douchebag. I think he's a cocky dickhead who looks at you like a piece of arm candy and likes the sound of his own fucking voice so much that he doesn't even realize what a pompous ass he is. I think you-"

I'd heard enough. Jasper and I had never fought like this before, and it was too much. He didn't know a thing about Demetri ‒ he hardly knew me anymore ‒ and he actually had the nerve to make such harsh judgments? No fucking way.

"Fuck you, Jasper. You don't know shit. The only reason you don't like him is because he's the exact opposite of you. Demetri is ambitious, he's work oriented, and has goals and aspirations! You think that just because he wears nice clothes and enjoys his career there's something wrong with him, but I think you're just jealous that he's doing something with his life!"

"Jealous? What the hell do you think I've been doing for the past two years? Are you saying _I'm_ not doing anything with my life?"

"Yes!" I yelled. "What _are_ you doing, Jasper? You dropped out of college to fuck around with your band. I love you guys and your music, but is it getting you anywhere? Are you making any real money? Do you have a plan if things don't turn out well? I don't think you do, and that's just fine and dandy isn't it? You're perfectly content to play your guitar, get drunk every night, and fuck your way around the country."

I knew I'd struck a chord because he didn't say anything. Instead, he turned his back on me and walked a few steps away. I watched his shoulders rise and fall with heavy breaths, and his hands went into his hair, tugging at it in frustration. I waited, rubbing my hands over my cold arms, trying to generate some warmth. Finally, he turned around again, but he stayed several yards away.

"You know what?" he began, much calmer than our previous argument. "This is ridiculous. Demetri is a carbon copy of every other guy you've ever dated, so I don't know why I'm surprised. Ivy League Edward, Peter, the future doctor, this guy, and any other boyfriend you've had. They're all the same.

"But don't try to judge me when you have no idea what my life is actually like. You make your assumptions, but when have you ever put forth the effort to really know me anymore? You wrote me off as soon as I decided to pursue the band."

"You're never around," I defended. "We communicate through texts and a few rare phone calls."

"And who initiates those?" he challenged me. "When, in the last two years, have you been the one to call or text me first?"

He was right. As I looked back, I had always thought that he was too busy, so I never bothered, always waiting to hear from him. Still, he had been a complete jerk to Demetri for no good reason. I refused to apologize until he did because he had been completely out of line in there.

That never came, though.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," he said in response to my silence. His anger still lingered, but he looked so detached. I could only watch as he walked over to one of the cabs near the valet station and opened the door. "You're wrong, Bella. You're the one who doesn't know shit."

.

A month later, I received an alert in my email from Lost Like You's blog. A new song had been posted, and even though I hadn't spoken to Jasper since Lauren's wedding, I still opened it and listened.

The song wasn't as smooth and upbeat as their usual style. It was harder and louder, with rougher vocals. The lyrics reeked of bitterness and spite, professing a "you don't know me" vibe.

It was only called "Untitled #6" on the track name, but it may as well have been titled, "Fuck you, Bella."

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**E/N: "You're the words that come out easy" in Jasper's thank you note is from the song "The Closest Thing" by The Juliana Theory, who I imagine he would be a fan of. No, Bella doesn't make the connection.**

**And now I'm going to run and hide.**


	11. On Your Side

**Not my characters or songs. For Elle, who is sweet & generous. Chele681 & MsKathy do far more than simply beta'ing/prereading. They are invaluable to this story. I love them so.  
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After the fight and the song, I distracted myself with anything I could to forget about Jasper. It was difficult to turn my back on all the years of friendship and the experiences we'd shared since childhood, but it felt like self-preservation at that point. Even though we weren't speaking, he still had the ability to hurt me, so I focused on other aspects of my life and didn't look at his blog again. I had been harsh with Jasper at Lauren's wedding, but honest. _He_ had criticized my relationships and taste in men as if dating someone with a good head on their shoulders was a bad thing! Then to post a song about our fight on the internet, for everyone in the world to hear? I couldn't just fluff that off and pretend we were okay.

Instead of dwelling, I focused on work and Demetri. He had been pretty pissed about things at the wedding, but I told him it wasn't his business. It was done and over with, and I just wanted to concentrate on the two of us. I certainly hadn't mentioned the whole song incident to my boyfriend; it was best to keep him out of things between Jasper and me.

I loved that Demetri knew what he wanted from life, and it was nice to be with someone so focused and serious. While he seemed to be moving a little faster than me in our relationship, I had never imagined what he had in mind for us just two months later.

"You want me to what?"

"Focus, Bella. The job in Miami. Come with me."

I looked into his deep brown eyes, a mirror of my own, and searched for answers that weren't there.

"Demetri, I don't know. This feels so sudden, and that would be a really big move. I just...I don't know." After a moment of pause to process the implications of his suggestion, there were a few other things on my mind. "What about _my_ career and everything I've done to establish myself in my field? Have you even considered that? Or is what you want more important?"

Was I willing to give up everything I'd accomplished in Tampa for him?

He stood from his chair at my kitchen table and moved toward me, holding my face in his hands. For some reason, it felt patronizing, not sweet, as I believed he meant it to be. "Baby, I love you and I want to marry you someday. Isn't that what you want too?"

I opened my mouth to say _something_ ‒ I wasn't quite sure what ‒ but my phone rang, interrupting us. Taking the distraction, I jumped up and crossed the room, retrieving my cell from the counter. To my surprise, the display said _Jane Whitlock._ I turned my back on Demetri when I answered.

"Hello?"

_"Bella?" _she asked, and I could tell immediately that she was crying.

"Jane, what's wrong?" I demanded. My heart was thudding rapidly, and I instantly began to panic. Jane and I didn't talk on the phone. Every so often, I would get little Facebook messages from her, but never phone calls. This call…the tone of her voice…something was wrong. Very wrong.

_"I'm at the hos-hospital," _she sobbed. _"My dad...Jasper... There was an accident."_

_Oh my god._

"Jane? What kind of accident? Tell me what's going on? What happened? Are they okay?"

_"He's gone, Bella! I just saw him and now he's just fucking gone!"_

A thousand scenarios ran through my mind, and my knees began to weaken as I imagined the worst. I slid down the kitchen cupboards and sat on the floor, waiting for more information. Needing and dreading it all at once. Demetri rushed over, trying to figure out what had happened, but I waved him off. I couldn't deal with him.

I attempted to steady my voice before speaking again, but as soon as I opened my mouth, I knew my anxiety would be evident. "Jane, I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Please, Janey. Just calm down for a minute and explain." I wasn't steady or calm at all; I was begging her for answers.

_"They were hiking. There was some kind of accident and they fell down an embankment. My dad's dead."_

I gasped as she said it, my heart instantly breaking for her, but at the same time, I felt a hint of relief. She'd said their dad was dead, but she didn't include Jasper in that explanation. Yet if she was at the hospital….

Everything felt hot, out of focus.

"What about Jasper? Is he all right?"

She continued to cry and sob, sucking in loud breaths and whimpering in my ear. I wanted nothing more than to reach through that phone and comfort her.

_"They think he's okay. Broken bones and some cuts. Maybe a concussion. They won't let me see him yet."_

My panic waned, but it wasn't gone. I had to do something. Jane needed me.

_Jasper _needed me.

"What hospital are you at, Jane?" I asked as soon as the thought hit me. "I'm coming home right now, okay? I'll be there as soon as possible to help you. Is your mom with you? Did you call her yet?"

We spoke for a few more minutes, and I did my best to calm her. I knew it was pretty much useless with everything she was going through, but I had to at least try. Before we were even off the phone, I had dragged my suitcase out of my closet, and I was pulling out clothes and toiletries to pack.

As soon as I tossed my phone aside, Demetri demanded to know what had happened. I explained while yanking items from my closet shelves and throwing undergarments across the room toward my bed.

"Can you get my laptop and pull up a travel site for me? I need to find a flight."

He stopped and stared at me. I looked back at him expectantly, raising my eyebrows in question. I was in a hurry, for fuck's sake! "What?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what, Demetri? I need to go."

"No, Bella," he said harshly. "You don't have to do anything. We were just having a conversation about our future, and now you're running off after someone you haven't talked to in months."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I snapped. "Jane just called me in fucking tears because her father is _dead_! I've known the Whitlocks since I was a little kid."

"And what about us?"

"I don't know," I answered quickly. "I don't have time to think about that right now. I need to get a flight and get home for them."

He stepped between me and my suitcase, blocking me from packing anymore.

"You don't have to go," he said seriously.

"Yes, I do."

"Stay with me."

I finally stopped trying to get around him and looked him square in the eyes. "Perhaps you didn't hear me the first time. Mr. Whitlock is dead. Jasper is in the hospital. Jane is a freaking basketcase. Don't make me choose, because I won't stay."

"Don't go, Bella." His voice was softer, less of the harsh, demanding tone of moments before, but there was something else in his eyes…in his voice. It was a possessiveness that made me uncomfortable, and I wondered how I could feel disconnected and aggravated with him so suddenly.

I needed time to myself – time to think about what he wanted and expected of me. I couldn't deal with him in that moment, though. I couldn't sit around discussing the future of our relationship when I was needed in Washington.

"Just slow down and—"

"I think it's time for you to leave now," I said, cutting him off. When he didn't move, I put my hand on his shoulder and pushed him toward the door. "Go, please. I'm not doing this with you. There's no choice here. Friends don't abandon friends in the face of tragedy, so you should leave, and I'll talk to you…I don't know when. Soon, okay?"

I wasn't sure if my final words were sincere.

.

After my apartment door slammed shut, I found the next flight available and called a cab to take me to the airport. It cost nearly three times as much as a better planned trip, but money didn't matter at a time like that.

Demetri called me after my plane landed, while I was driving my rental car from the airport to the hospital.

"I'm sorry, babe. Please. I just want you back home with me…where you belong."

The time I spent traveling afforded me the opportunity to think. Too much time, perhaps, as the confrontation with my boyfriend played over in my head repeatedly for hours, in between worry and concern for Jasper and Jane. When it came down it, Demetri and his plans were the least of my priorities. He hadn't considered how important this was to me – how the Whitlocks were practically my family – and that had placed an instant roadblock between us. He had said he wanted me home where I belong – with him, but I wasn't sure I agreed with him about that anymore, apology or not. And if he didn't understand why I needed to be with my friends at a time like this, I wasn't certain what kind of future we could have together.

"I can't do this right now," I told him, feeling like that was the only explanation I could offer. My head was too preoccupied with other thoughts and concerns. "I...I can't be with you anymore."

The damage had been done. He forced me to choose, and I didn't pick him. I couldn't.

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**E/N: There are a lot of great contests running right now. Perhaps you should read and vote for them. Or even enter. I just so happen to be a judge for a couple (deets in my profile). If you're looking for a directory of current contests, visit the Twific News site. If you're interested in high quality recs, try The Fictionators, where I've been...fictionating since June =) Oh, and Smut Monday and Friday Free For All on Twilighted are always fun. I was lucky #69 on FFFA this past Friday - woo hoo!**

**As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate your time & thoughts you share *hearts***


	12. Cannonball

**For Elle. And my thanks, as always, to Chele681 & MsKathy.**

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I cried as soon as I saw Jane, and she cried for what must have been the hundredth time in the past two days. I held her as she sobbed against my shoulder, soaking my shirt, until Mrs. Charles (formerly Mrs. Whitlock) came and pulled her away. They directed me to Jasper's room, where I found him standing by the window, staring outside.

He turned when he heard me come in, surprise lighting his eyes.

"You look like shit."

"Thanks," I muttered, shaking my head at him. I didn't exactly expect a warm reception, especially at a time like this. And I was pretty sure I did look like shit after traveling across the country at the drop of a hat. "Shouldn't you be lying down?" I replied, not responding further to his offhanded greeting.

"Probably." He shrugged indifferently.

We both stood there for a minute just watching the other, waiting, or maybe giving each other time to think and process. Finally, he took a step closer and held his hand out toward me. I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around him, folding myself into his long body.

"Careful," he warned. "My ribs."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" But when I tried to back away, he held me close. I kept my arms locked around him, rubbing his back and offering whatever silent peace he needed. I felt him lean deeper into me, resting his head on top of mine and sighing heavily.

We stayed that way as the minutes passed, holding on to one another and taking whatever comforts we could get. For him, it was as though I could feel him seeking relief, most likely for the first time since he'd been hurt; it would have been just like him to hide his pain to protect Jane. Selfishly, I soaked up the reassurance that he was all right. His father hadn't been so fortunate, but Jasper was alive. Being there with him – seeing, touching, and talking to him – allowed my body and mind to finally calm from the frenzy I'd been experiencing since I'd received Jane's phone call.

"I gotta sit," he said when he released me.

I stepped back, allowing him to get himself back into bed and find a comfortable position. I sat myself in a chair near his bed, quietly waiting for him to talk…or not talk. Whatever he needed was fine with me.

_Because he's safe now. Alive._

He extended his hand, palm up, on the edge of the mattress, and I laid mine in it without hesitation, watching our fingers and palms curl around one another. I listened to the sounds of our breathing, the slow drip of his IV, people shuffling around in the hospital corridors….

"We were hiking," he eventually began. His voice was flat, fighting emotion, and I waited silently as he explained. Our hands rested together, not moving or squeezing, just skin to skin. "Dad had been doing a lot of that lately. Venturing off the usual trails and checking stuff out. We were on this narrow strip over an embankment. The rain must have loosened things from the last time he was there. He slipped, and I tried to grab him. We both went down.

"When we stopped, it took me a minute to clear my head. My arm was throbbing." Jasper held up his left arm, showing me the cast on his wrist. "I spotted him about ten yards away, but he wasn't moving. Obviously...yeah. He hit his head. That was it."

My free hand flew to my mouth to muffle a gasp. I turned my face away so he wouldn't have to see the horror in my eyes. He didn't need reminders right now, not when it was all there in his own mind.

"Hey, it's okay," he said softly, tugging on my hand.

"It's not okay." I shook my head and could feel hot tears welling in my eyes.

"No, it's not, but…none of it can be changed now. Do you want me to keep going?"

I watched him for a moment, sniffling a little. I didn't want to push him, even if I wanted to know what else had happened. "It's up to you."

He nodded and took a deep, loud breath. "It took me forever to get back to the Ranger's Station. I didn't have a choice; there was no cell reception out there. I just had to leave him.

"Long story short, I did my best to explain where we were. They brought me here and called Jane while they went back for Dad.

"Broken wrist, two cracked ribs on my left side, I twisted my ankle, got some stitches on my leg. They said it wasn't a concussion, just a hard hit. I'm just waiting for the psych consult before they'll discharge me." He went on to explain that, after such a traumatic event, they wanted to ensure his mental well-being in addition to his physical health before allowing him to go home.

Our silence returned, and I felt like that was probably the best thing. I could tell by Jasper's tone and his sparsely detailed, detached explanation that he wasn't ready to talk about much else yet, and the only thing I could think to say were more apologies that this had happened to him. That was the last thing he needed; it went without saying that I sympathized.

Instead, I kept my hand in his as he tipped his head back and closed his eyes. Jane came in a little while later to tell Jasper their mom left.

"You should go home, Jane. I know you haven't slept, and there's nothing you can do here. Bella can take you back to Mom's."

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll come back afterward. You want me to bring you anything?" I offered.

"No. Go to your dad's and get some rest, too. I can tell you're exhausted from the trip," he said. "I need to be alone for a while."

Jane agreed, after some protest, going to the other side of the bed to give Jasper a gentle hug before saying she would wait for me in the hall. I studied his expression carefully, trying to discern if being alone was really the best thing for him.

"I'm serious," he told me. "Go."

"You'll call me when they discharge you?"

"No. My Uncle Mark will come. We have to discuss all the funeral stuff anyway. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay," I agreed, even though I was still unsure. It didn't seem like he was going to budge, though, so I slowly rose and let our hands separate. "Call me whenever. I'll be at Charlie's."

As I exited, he called my name quietly, and I turned to look at him. His eyes were closed, but he seemed to know I was still there. "Thanks for coming."

.

"You want me to stop to get something to eat?" I asked Jane as we drove away from the hospital. She looked exhausted, and her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. I assumed she probably hadn't eaten anything since getting that phone call.

"I'm not really hungry," she mumbled.

"Janey, you have to eat. Come on. What would you like?"

She was quiet for a beat, staring out the window and watching the rain stream over the glass. "Somewhere with a salad bar? I'll probably just pick at it anyway."

We found a restaurant a few minutes later, and I parked close to the door. Inside, we both ordered the salad bar and an appetizer. Once our plates were full, we sat in our booth, neither saying much.

"You know you can talk about it if you need to, right? You don't _have to_, but if you want, I'm here. It helps to get it out, sometimes."

"Yeah, I know," she said solemnly. "I'm still processing all of it. I mean, I just managed to get myself together so that I'm not crying non-stop, but I feel like that could start up again at any moment. I just can't believe he's gone. Just like that. And if anything had happened to Jasper, too…. God, I just don't know what I would have done."

_Me too_, I thought.

We picked at our food for a bit, and I watched, keeping quiet, to make sure she was eating and not distracted by our conversation. Once I felt secure that she had gotten at least a little food in her stomach, I spoke again.

"Jane, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What was Jasper doing home? We haven't really talked since February...well, not at all, so I have no idea what's going on with him these days."

I knew this was something I should have talked to Jasper about, not his sister, who was an emotional mess right now, but my curiosity got the best of me. Being there for him at a time like this was one thing, but it didn't change the hurtful things we'd both done and said. Maybe, once he got through all this, he and I could work on fixing our friendship. We weren't there yet, though.

"Yeah, he said something about that a while ago – that you'd gotten into a fight." She paused, watching me carefully, then continued. "Umm, well, they finished all the dates on their last round of touring, and they had an offer to keep playing shows with another band, but Jasper wanted to take some time off. I guess he's trying to figure out how to finish his communications degree and then he wants to take some business classes or something."

"Business classes?" I asked automatically. That didn't really sound like Jasper.

She nodded, spearing a little tomato and twirling her fork in her fingers. "He wants to open a recording studio, I guess. He didn't tell me many details about it, but he and Dad had been talking about financial backing."

_Wow._

"So...that's what they were doing when…?" My question was hesitant.

"I think so," she sighed. "They'd been spending more time together lately, and it was actually pretty amicable. Weird, but I think they got along better now that we're grown up."

I took a few more bites of my food as I thought about everything Jane had told me. Never, in all the time I had known Jasper, had he mentioned wanting to own a recording studio or do anything that involved owning or running a business. He had wanted to work in radio or music somewhere, but never on the office side of things. I supposed that a studio would still involve plenty of hands-on work with musicians, and even time to pursue his own music, but the idea was new to me, regardless.

As I pondered this, another thought came to mind.

"Jane, you…you don't blame Jasper, do you? I just mean, since they'd been spending time together to talk about Jasper's stuff and that's why they were out there hiking."

Her eyes widened immediately and she shook her head. "No! I would never blame this on my brother. Hiking was one hundred percent Dad's thing. It was his idea to go out, and I know he's the one who led them off the trails. In a way, it makes me mad at my dad for doing that, but I know it's not worth dwelling on."

Reassured, I reached across the table and placed my hand over hers.

"Okay. I just want to make sure you're doing all right. Losing someone you love can sometimes mess with your perspective, you know?"

"Yeah. It's okay, Bella. And thank you for everything. It means a lot to me that you're here, and I know it does to Jasper, too."

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That night, as I lay in bed, so many thoughts ran through my mind. There was Demetri, who I couldn't block out when I had several missed calls and texts from him. I sent a text back asking him to give me space and reinforcing the truth that I did not want to be with him. Maybe we could talk it out when I went home, but I just didn't know anymore. If he was the kind of man who could ask me to _not_ help my friends when they were suffering, I didn't think we could be together. It was just one of those things that had the power to negate everything else we had been through and all other aspects of our relationship, no matter how good or compatible they may have been at one time.

Then, there were the conversations as well as the quiet moments with Jasper. Even after our fight and the unresolved issues between us, the moment I saw him and knew he would be all right, nothing else mattered. From the way he held onto me and silently asked for my hand in his hospital room, I felt as though it was probably the same for him. Those grievances fell away, at least temporarily, under the circumstances, and we were able to just be us.

More than anything, I considered what Jane had told me. What had suddenly made Jasper want to put a hold on touring with his band so he could finish school? After he dropped out, he'd told me he would "probably finish someday," but there was never a commitment to it. I knew that if I wanted an explanation, I would just have to ask. Despite the way he'd allowed me to comfort him at the hospital, I had to wonder if he would be willing to open up to me anymore.

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**E/N: I can't believe some of you thought I would kill Jasper!**


	13. Out Loud

**For Elle. Many thanks to Chele681 & MsKathy**

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Funerals are always horrible. No one likes them, and no matter how much we tell ourselves we need to do it for closure, they are pure torture. A bunch of people get together and cry for someone they'll never see, never speak to, never hold again, and then all the crying makes them cry more. Afterward, there's stiff conversation over platters of deli meat and cheese. If you're lucky, there may be a few laughs and memories shared over a bottle of whiskey, but they always feel hollow and are wracked with guilt.

Mr. Whitlock's funeral was no different.

I was the self-appointed gopher for the day, greeting family members, collecting monetary donations friends made in the deceased's honor, and transporting those god-awful sandwich trays to Uncle Mark's house, where friends and family gathered afterward.

I tried not to hover, but I stuck close by, always with an eye on Jasper to make sure he was doing okay, and checking up on Jane as well. Their mom was incredibly supportive, even though she and her ex-husband had been divorced for years.

When the crowd dwindled, and the food and alcohol had been consumed, I drove Jasper's car home, escorting him into his father's house. Jane had gone home with their mother, but Jasper insisted on going there. Legally, it would be his soon. He had been drinking, but I knew that it was more exhaustion than alcohol that made him stagger and lean on me for support.

Leaving Jasper in his bedroom to change, I walked downstairs to the kitchen to get him a glass of water and some aspirin. When I returned, he wasn't in his bedroom or bathroom.

"Jasper?" I called softly as I wandered down the hall. I could see light from the crack below his dad's bedroom door. I knocked, out of courtesy, but when he didn't respond, I pushed the door open and entered the master suite.

The bathroom door was open, but I couldn't see him from that angle. I called his name again, just in case he was indisposed, but instead of his voice, I heard a buzzing sound. It sounded like he was shaving, but I knew Jasper had done that before the funeral. I took a few steps closer and jolted when I saw the source of the noise.

"What are you doing?" I asked quickly, moving closer and grabbing his wrist. He held electric clippers against his temple, staring in the mirror and preparing to sheer off his hair.

"He hated my hair long. You know, once a military man, always a military man."

"J, shaving off all your hair isn't going to make anything better. You know that," I said, reaching out and unplugging the clippers as I pulled his arm down.

"He was right. It's too long." His voice was monotone; tired and sad.

Removing the clippers from his grasp, I set them on the counter and began directing him out of the bathroom. "So we go out tomorrow and get you a haircut. Right now, though, you need to sleep, sweetie. It's been a really long day."

Jasper allowed me to lead him to his bedroom for the second time, and after getting him ready for bed, I tucked him in, blankets up to his chin. He pulled my hand until I sat with my back against the headboard. I stayed there beside him, running my fingers through his hair and soothing him to sleep. He fought it, but I continually shushed him. He remained on his back because of his injured ribs, but his face turned toward my thigh, rubbing his forehead against the soft fabric of my dress like a little kitten. When I was certain he was asleep, I crept out of the house, locking it on my way and crossing the lawn to my dad's place.

.

As promised, I took Jasper to get a haircut the next day. He didn't cut it all off, but it was cleaned up and several inches shorter, hanging just to the tips of his earlobes. On the way home, we stopped at the grocery store to stock the fridge since Jasper insisted that he was moving into his dad's house permanently.

The next few days were spent surrounded by a handful of family members. I helped them sort through Mr. Whitlock's belongings, getting rid of clothes and other items they didn't wish to keep and donating them to various charities. Uncle Mark helped with the lawyer, since he and his brother used the same firm and had planned ahead to take care of the other's family if something like this ever happened. I couldn't express how grateful I was for that; Jasper was still very temperamental and sensitive. No matter what kind of front he tried to put up to protect Jane, I was the one who was around him during the quiet moments, and I saw the pain he didn't openly express to the others.

Through it all, I didn't push him to discuss anything or talk about his feelings. I had been staying around the house with him most of the time, or I was nearby at Charlie's if he needed me. When he had to shower, I would help cover his cast. I wrapped and unwrapped the Ace bandages around his ribs, which he may have been able to do himself if his wrist hadn't been broken. I never called him out on the way he winced when I accidentally touched a sensitive spot, and we didn't discuss the bruises that speckled his body. He was still fragile, more inside than out, and the last thing I wanted to do was damage his sense of masculinity on top of everything else.

With each passing moment, I understood my own thoughts a little better. I didn't mind doing any of that, even when he objected or protested, because I cared about him so much. There were times when we were quiet, and the silence felt heavy between us, but I was okay with it because I knew he was still out there in the world. He was alive. The accident was a reminder of how close I had come to losing his friendship permanently.

So during the day we worked on the house projects and packing he wanted to do, and at night we sat together in the living room and watched movies. I could tell how much it agitated Jasper that he couldn't play his guitar, and it was becoming increasingly more difficult to distract him.

A week after the funeral, we were watching what felt like the fiftieth movie when he took the remote and turned off the TV, leaving us in the dark. A slight glow of light drifted in from the kitchen, enough to help us see, but it wasn't much.

"I'm so fucking sick of movies," he grumbled.

I chuckled in understanding, turning sideways on my end of the couch to face him. "What do you want to do?"

"Can we just talk?" he asked, a hint of hesitance in his voice. "You've been here, but I feel like we've hardly talked at all."

Relief came to me instantly. I shared his feelings, but I had been waiting for him to initiate. We'd been comfortable together, but it wasn't the way we used to be, and I knew the lack of conversation was a part of it. Not to mention that we'd never addressed our fight. We needed to.

As he always seemed to be, Jasper was on the same page. "Bella, I know this is coming really late, but I'm sorry about everything. The wedding, not talking…."

"The song?" I asked. I had to know. I needed him to acknowledge it.

"You heard that, huh?" His face was tipped down at the mention of the very public insult, and he peered up at me through his eyelashes.

"Of course I did, but I don't want to dwell," I replied. "And I'm sorry, too. When I think about how I would have felt if things had been worse…if it wasn't just your dad. Jasper, I'd never forgive myself if that had been the last time we'd ever spoken to each other."

"Hey, none of that," he said, scooting over to reach out and wipe away the tears that had begun to slip down my cheeks. "Come here."

I moved closer to him in turn, sliding into his open arms but remaining mindful of his ribs.

"Let's not ever fight again," I whispered, tucking my head against his chest and feeling each breath he took.

I didn't know how much time passed, and I didn't care either. I simply relished the comfort of my best friend's presence, because he truly was my best friend, no matter how old we got or where life took us.

"When do you have to go home?" he eventually asked.

We hadn't discussed that. I wondered what he would think. "I…I actually called a couple days ago and told work that I'm staying another week. I didn't mean to assume, but I know you still need help with stuff, so…. I'm sorry if you don't want me around. I can go sooner."

"I always want you around," he assured me, hugging me tighter in affirmation. He paused, and I sensed that he wanted to say something else, so I waited. "What about your boyfriend? Don't you want to get home to him?"

_Ah, there it is. How do I explain this?_

Honesty seemed to be the best way to go, but I kept the details to a minimum.

"We're not really together right now. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us. He got a job in Miami, and he wants me to go with him. He says he wants to get married, but I just don't know anymore. I think this time apart is good for us."

"You broke up because he wanted to get married?" Jasper asked, a hint of something I couldn't identify in his tone. It was curiosity and…_something. _I just couldn't put my finger on it.

"Not exactly," I explained uneasily. "Jane called when we were talking about it, and he got mad that I wouldn't finish the conversation, but I couldn't. So I made him leave, and that was pretty much it. I broke up with him, but I'm not sure he's really accepting that. I don't know; it's complicated. I'd rather not get into all the details right now. I know I'll have to deal with it when I go back."

I heard Jasper inhale deeply through his nose, obviously thinking and gathering his words.

"What?" I finally asked when he didn't speak.

"Are you staying here just so you don't have to go back and deal with him?"

My chest felt tight with his question, forcing me to think about Demetri more than I cared to. He had tried to contact me a few more times, but I still wasn't talking to him. I knew the answer to Jasper's question, though.

"No, Jasper, it's not like that. I'm here because I want to be. Because I want to help you."

"Okay…good."

My muscles twitched from inactivity, so I extended my legs, stretching them away from the couch. Jasper unwound his arms from around me and began pushing himself up to stand. I looked up, waiting for an explanation.

"Umm, it's getting late. I think I'm gonna go to bed," he finally said.

"That's fine, I understand." We had more to talk about, and I knew there were other apologies that needed to be made. But it didn't have to be right then, especially if he was tired.

As Jasper hugged me goodbye, he placed a warm kiss on top of my head. It was the first gesture of its kind since I had come back to Washington.

There was so much on my mind…Demetri and the conversation I was putting off having with him…and everything Jasper and I had discussed. Sleep didn't come easily that night.

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**E/N: Patience, my pets. Just remember that I love them & will get them where they need to be *lovesmoosh***


	14. Without You

**For Elle, who I hope ISN'T (sweet lord, I'm full of typos & blunders lately!) sick of these two & their drama yet. Love to Chele681 & MsKathy, my little rays of sunshine.**

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****I made a boo-boo in my editing of the previous chapter. If you read it when I first posted, it was simply a mislabeling of dialogue. It's fixed now (after my epic facepalm). Forgive my #authorfail.**

_**Previously:**_

_My muscles twitched from inactivity, so I extended my legs, stretching them away from the couch. Jasper unwound his arms from around me and began pushing himself up to stand. I looked up, waiting for an explanation._

_"Umm, it's getting late. I think I'm gonna go to bed," he finally said. _

_"That's fine, I understand." We had more to talk about, and I knew there were other apologies that needed to be made. But it didn't have to be right then, especially if he was tired._

_As Jasper hugged me goodbye, he placed a warm kiss on top of my head. It was the first gesture of its kind since I had come back to Washington._

_There was so much on my mind…Demetri and the conversation I was putting off having with him…and everything Jasper and I had discussed. Sleep didn't come easily that night._

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The sound of my door opening made me bolt upright in bed, still half asleep and disoriented. As I blinked at the figure in the entrance, I realized the person was too tall and narrow to be my dad.

"Jasper? What are you doing?"

In two long strides, he was at my bedside, dropping down to his knees beside me.

"I need to talk to you."

"At…seven o'clock in the morning?" I asked incredulously, glancing toward my alarm clock. "Are you all right? What's going on?" I turned toward him, kicking my legs over the side of the bed and pulling my bed head hair back into a ponytail. He seemed jittery and anxious, perched on the floor waiting for me to wake up and listen to him.

He surprised me by parting my legs and moving between them, still kneeling in front of me. His hands slid up my outer thighs until he had grasped my hands, holding them together in my lap. Confused and concerned, I didn't try to move away, instead bracing myself for whatever it was he so urgently needed to tell me.

"I'm sorry I kicked you out last night," he began. "I was a little overwhelmed, and I just needed some time to think."

"It's fine," I promised, but he cut me off.

"Don't talk. I just need you to listen. Okay?"

I nodded, so he continued.

"I know you have to go back to Florida eventually, but you can't go to Miami." His words were stern, almost demanding, and the tone made me feel tense. I stiffened, but he didn't stop. "You can't marry Demetri, B."

Regardless of all my recent confusion and doubts about Demetri, that put me over the edge. _Not again! _I tugged my hands out of his and flipped my legs back over the bed to get away from him. I stood on the opposite side, staring him down as he got up on his feet.

"Don't. Don't you dare do this again, Jasper. You do not know Demetri, no matter what you think, and you have no business telling me what I can and can't do!"

I was beginning to panic. This was going to blow up just like it had at Lauren's wedding, and we would go straight back to how things were before. Just considering that after we'd slowly been regaining our friendship infuriated me. Why did he have to ruin this?

Jasper tried to come around the bed toward me, but I held my hand out to tell him to stop. I needed space.

"Would you just listen to me?" he said, obviously frustrated. "You have no idea what I'm trying to say. This is important."

"What then?" I knew he wouldn't give up. Jasper had his moments when he could be a stubborn ass, and we were clearly in the middle of one of them. Even if I didn't want to hear it, he was going there, and he wouldn't leave until he'd said his piece.

"He's not right for you, Bella. He thinks you should follow him to Miami because it's what _he _wants to do. Getting married was _his_ idea, right? Did he even discuss any of it with you before telling you all his plans? And what about your mom? Your job? Did he take your life into consideration, or is it all about that 'ambition' of his you seem to love so much? Is his career more important than what you would want? And is he really worth that?"

My gut reaction was to defend myself, and in turn, Demetri as well, even if I was, admittedly, unsure of the future of that relationship. I wasn't even sure where my words came from. "You don't know me anymore, Jasper! How can you say whether or not he's right for me if you don't know who I am? Maybe I'm not what you think. Maybe I would want to go. You never even gave him a chance, and you have no clue what our relationship has been like, so don't judge, and dammit, don't tell me what's best for me!"

Even though I was still trying to hold him at bay, Jasper rounded the end of the bed and stood a few feet away from me.

"I _do_ know you, B. I know exactly who you are because I've spent practically every minute with you for the past week. You might have a different job and live somewhere else, but you're still the girl I can just fall into when everything else sucks, and I immediately feel better. You're still the girl who cares about me or you wouldn't have come home after the accident. You wouldn't have _stayed_. Even when we haven't talked, we've just been _us_. Don't tell me you've changed. How can you not see what I see?"

He was breathing heavily, shoulders rising and falling with his rapid breaths, and I realized that it was the same for me. My hands shook at my sides as his words sank in. He was wrong...he was right...I had no fucking clue.

"Where did this come from, J?" I asked meekly. "Why are you doing this? I told you things are complicated. That I need to figure them out when I go back."

"What's to figure out?" he asked in barely a whisper. "Your words don't match your actions."

Slowly, he moved closer, until we were practically touching, and he looked down at me. As I met his eyes, I became locked in his gaze, unable to see anything but him. I tried desperately to understand him, to hear the meaning behind his words, and I searched those familiar green eyes for answers.

As his forehead tipped to rest against mine, I tried to step back, but he put his casted arm around my waist and placed his other hand on my neck.

"Why can't you just understand, Bella? Why do you refuse to see this?" The desperation in his voice shook me, but I was frozen, waiting, at his mercy.

"See what?" I asked shakily.

"God," he groaned, "what have I been doing wrong? Bella…how the hell can you still want him when _I'm_ _right here_."

He punctuated his last three words, and then his lips were on mine, hard and hungry, forcing all his unspoken thoughts and feelings upon me.

I gasped for a breath when he released me, my hand flying up to touch my abandoned lips.

"I need to go," he said quickly, turning away and heading for the door. "Just fucking think, B. Open your eyes."

He disappeared, and I collapsed onto my bed, staring at the rumpled comforter and still touching my lips.


	15. You Are Mine

**For ElleCC, loved on by Chele681 & MsKathy**

**Apologies to those who have me on author alert and hated me for the spam of drabbles last week. Mad love to those of you who read and enjoyed them =)**

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All I could hear were Jasper's words, pleading with me to understand him. All I could feel were his lips pressed forcefully against mine and the way he had held onto me for those few moments. All I could see were his eyes, so full of emotion as he looked at me.

I had showered. I had drank two cups of coffee. I had listened to loud music. I had tried to read, and when that failed, I'd turned on the television.

Nothing helped. Nothing got Jasper out of my head.

He had only been in my bedroom for a few minutes that morning, but _so much_ had been said in that short period of time, both in words and actions. I was just struggling to wrap my head around all of it and understand what Jasper's expectations were…and what that meant for me.

As I considered everything, his words on a repeat loop in my mind, one thing was undeniable: what Jasper had questioned about Demetri had been nearly the _exact_ same reaction I'd had when my boyfriend first brought up the Miami idea. Had Demetri actually considered if I even _wanted_ to go to Miami? _Did _he expect me to give up my job to be with him? Was he really worth uprooting my life and career? If not, did we have any sort of future? Was that why I'd felt so confused and became so defensive when Jasper was in my room earlier? When I really considered everything, I knew it hadn't been about Demetri. My responses were intricately tied to how overwhelmed Jasper made me feel.

I honestly didn't want to think about Demetri, though. Everything with Jasper felt complicated enough on its own. Despite all the recent hardships, things had been on the mend with my best friend. We were slowly working our way back to being us, and to have him come to me in such a frenzy…to say so many things…to just kiss me like that…my mind was wracked trying to piece it all together and find some sense in the situation.

I was sitting at the kitchen table, forehead pressed against the cool, flat surface, when Charlie walked in. It was lunchtime, and he had come home to get something to eat.

"Bella? You all right?" he asked, stepping toward me with concern.

"No," I whined into the table.

He came over and rubbed light circles between my shoulder blades, attempting to offer some comfort. I hadn't realized how much I needed it until then.

"Are you not feeling well?"

"Sort of."

"Where's Jasper?" he asked. "I saw him this morning."

The need to purge my thoughts overwhelmed me, and since my dad was the only person I'd spoken to all day since Jasper left, I looked up at him and let the word vomit flow.

"Jasper kissed me."

An uncomfortable expression overtook Charlie's face, and he stared down at me, shifting from foot to foot before he finally settled on sitting in the chair next to mine.

"Bella, I'm going to be completely honest with you right now. I have no idea whether that is a good or bad thing, so I'm not sure how to help you right now."

"I don't even know," I admitted helplessly.

"I see."

"It wasn't just that. He said stuff. Stuff that makes me think he wants…. Well, I don't know what he wants."

We sat there in silence for a few minutes, neither of us looking at the other, but when my dad reached out and patted my back again, I gave him my attention.

"Okay, pumpkin, I'm not going to press for details or anything like that because, well, that's just not me. And I don't think it's you, either. What I do know is that you're like your old dad in a lot of ways. We both like to keep ourselves busy so we don't have to think about our feelings, and we can be pretty good at convincing ourselves things don't exist when they do. Like problems. I did it with your mom, and look where that got us. I won't try to guess what kind of romantic history you and Jasper might have because it's not my business, but I'll tell you one thing. Bella, if this is the first time you've realized that Jasper has feelings for you, then I think you're even better at putting the blinders up than I ever was. Go talk to the boy. You won't get your answers any other way."

I stared at him, completely flabbergasted and stunned stupid, as he rose from his chair and walked to the fridge. Was I really like that? The way he'd described? Someone who puts up blinders and pushes my feelings away?

"Want a sandwich?" he asked casually, as though he _hadn't_ just said all that to me.

"Umm, no. I think I need to go."

"You do that," he said simply. He squeezed my shoulder once as I passed him on my way to the front door.

That was how I found myself crossing the lawns yet another time that week, slowly making my way toward Jasper's house. I didn't know what I would say or how I would react to seeing him, but there wasn't any choice. I'd drive myself crazy if I held myself captive in my head any longer.

Jasper opened to door looking surprised, hopeful, and tired. I searched his eyes for answers, bouncing on my heels and waiting for an invitation inside.

As soon as we were in the living room, I spun around and faced him. "Did you just say that because you're upset about your dad?"

"What?" he replied quickly. "What would that have to do with anything?"

"You're sensitive right now, Jasper. You're emotional and needy, and I'm the one who's been here. It would be easy to get confused and think…."

My suggestion was cut short by his laughter, but it lacked humor. He tipped his head down, running his fingers through his hair and scratching his scalp. When he didn't look back up at me, I collapsed into the recliner and pulled my legs up, wrapping myself in a tight ball.

He was emotional and sensitive right now. I knew my dad was no dummy, and if he had seen something in Jasper that I hadn't ever noticed, it may have been true, but I still needed the reassurance that Jasper wasn't just clinging to me – and the comfort of all the years we'd been friends – in this very difficult time.

Jasper noticed my defensive position and moved to the end of the sofa closest to my chair. I thought he was going to reach out for me, but he stopped, placing his hand in his lap instead.

"Why do I feel like you came over here to say goodbye?" he eventually asked. His voice was quiet and resigned, and I noticed his eyebrows pressed inward with a saddened expression.

I shook my head at him. That wasn't what I had intended, and I immediately felt remorseful for giving off that vibe. "I never said I was going anywhere. I'm just…J, I don't understand. I don't know what happened this morning or why, and I have no clue how to feel about any of it. First, you were being, I don't know, possessive, and then what you said…it felt so long term."

"I meant exactly what I said, Bella, so tell me how _you_ feel."

We were quiet again. How did I feel? I had no idea. I was too overwhelmed.

"I don't want this to be another situation of convenience for you," I explained. "You're going through a terrible, difficult time right now, and I'm just someone familiar. I understand how it could be another one of those times when I'm just the most convenient choice for you, and you're confused."

"I'm confused?" he asked, incredulity dripping from his tone. "For once, I'm not confused about anything. I know exactly what I want ‒ with you and with my future. And why do you keep talking about being 'convenient'? I have no idea what that even means."

My grip around my knees tightened as Jasper leaned forward in his seat, angling himself nearer to me. His expression had changed yet again, and I knew I would have to explain.

"You mean the world to me, J, you really do, but let's be honest. The times when you take things beyond friendship with me...they're always when you need something. Be it a favor, comfort, a distraction, whatever. You've had so much on your plate in these past couple weeks, and I've been here, so you're convincing yourself you need something more."

I stopped speaking when he stood abruptly, throwing his hands in the air. I straightened up as he approached me, standing in front of my chair and staring down at me.

"You make me crazy. Do you know that?" he asked. "When I was touring with the band and you would make jokes about the groupies, I could handle that. The teasing and sarcasm never really bothered me because that's just how you've always been. But when I realized that you actually believed I was some stupid, slutty rockstar ‒ that fucking _killed_ me, Bella. To have you, the most important person in my life, think so little of me has been awful.

"I can guarantee that the reality of my life on the road is far less depraved than you imagine, because Bella, I didn't care about other girls, and there really weren't that many of them. I loved the music, and the attention was fun, but when it came down to what I really wanted, anyone else was just a distraction."

"Jasper," I whispered, loosening my hold on myself. I was at a complete loss under the weight of his words, so I just stared at him as he kneeled down in front of me. It was so similar to what he had done in my bedroom that morning, yet so completely different. "I'm so sorry I ever made you feel that way. So, _so_ sorry. I…what I said at Lauren's wedding – it was awful."

He blinked slowly, and his eyes locked with mine. "Did you read the 'thank you' in my last album? The one I gave you for Christmas?"

I nodded but didn't admit aloud that I hadn't really understood what it meant. Jasper seemed to see it in my expression because he repeated what had been in the album's liner notes.

"You're the words that come out easy," he said softly, and I was surprised when he continued speaking, "but I am speechless at best."

"I…where is that from?" I stuttered.

He repeated the line, singing it to me shakily, quietly, and that was when it began to click. They were song lyrics – not one of his, though. He continued with more of the lyrics, speaking them again instead of singing. I began to tremble as he drew closer to the chorus because the entirety of the song had come back to me at last. I held up my hand to stop him before he could say any more, the intensity of the moment making my eyes water. I squeezed them shut to fight back my tears.

"Open your eyes, Bella. Please." He reached out tentatively, sliding his hand up my leg until he had placed it over top of mine, tracing my knuckles. "You're not a convenience. It's always been you."

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**E/N: I mentioned that song before, but it felt important to do so again. The lyrics are quite powerful, so I highly recommend listening. Thanks for reading and reviewing. ILY all!**

www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=UEJCcUnYNJE (The Closest Thing by The Juliana Theory)


	16. To Be With You

**A/N: For sweet, sweet Elle, who has inspired many lovely Jaspers. This would not be possible without the help and encouragement of Chele681 and MsKathy. **

**I apologize immensely for the extended delay. The story has been written, but my editing took much time and consideration. I hope by the end of this chapter you'll understand my obsessive need for this particular portion of the story to be perfect. And I hope you'll agree that it is. Much love for all your patience and support. The next chapter will be up in a day or two.  
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_"Open your eyes, Bella. Please." He reached out tentatively, sliding his hand up my leg until he had placed it over top of mine, tracing my knuckles. "You're not a convenience. It's always been you."_

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"I...I don't understand."

He smiled at me, lopsided and so much more at ease, and shook his head. "What's not to understand?"

"It just doesn't make sense to me," I told him. My eyes closed, and I took a deep breath, trying to center myself and fully grasp what he had said…and sung. A light squeeze of my hand brought me back to him. "If this is more to you than our friendship, why didn't I ever know?"

"Maybe you just wouldn't let yourself see it," he said coolly. "Can you honestly say all those times we've been together meant nothing to you?" In his eyes, I could see his need for affirmation and his desire for reassurance.

"They didn't mean nothing, but...it was always for you. When you needed something." That's how it had always felt to me. Always when Jasper was emotional or needy. It seemed I had missed something, though. Had I really been so desperate to preserve the security of our friendship that I'd ignored cues and signals he may have been giving me? It just hadn't ever occurred to me to consider that there possibly _could_ be something more to it. To us.

He stood again, walking across the room and keeping his back to me. I watched the rise and fall of his shoulders as he pondered whatever was on his mind. I noticed how the cotton of his shirt stretched across his back as his arms folded over his chest. The narrow angle of his hips drew my attention down his body and back up again. It was impossible not to notice how gorgeous he was. Even though he wasn't athletic in the same way he had been in high school and college, his body was still toned and trim. With the implication of his confessions and the rapid speed at which I was trying to rationalize my own feelings, I couldn't help but stare and analyze my attraction to him.

As he continued taking slow steps farther across the room, he began to speak again. His voice was calm and smooth but full of emotion.

"I guess I can see why you'd feel that way, but I also don't. Maybe I should have had the balls to actually talk to you about what we'd done, but I never wanted to ruin it. I never wanted to risk scaring you away. I think we may have been the same that way, you know?" He turned back toward me, watching my face as he placed his hand on the mantle, running it back and forth absently. "Don't you get it? It's always been you for me. I may not have realized the full extent of it back then, but I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember."

He paused then, continuing to assess my reactions.

He loved me? No, he must have meant in a stronger-than-friendship way, not romantically.

"How can you be sure that's what it is when we've spent so little time together? I mean, we've never gone out on a date or even discussed the possibility of being anything more than friends," I said, rising from my chair. I took a few careful steps in his direction, feeling the need to be close in order to truly understand him.

He laughed lightly again. "Maybe the way this thing between us has happened was backward and spontaneous, but it's enough for me to know how I feel."

"So, how long have you…felt this way?" I pressed.

"I started to see it back in college. After Maria. I was torn up over her, but when I was with you, it made me realize I didn't need her. As hurt as I was over her dumping me and all the shit she did, it didn't matter once I was with you. You filled in those cracks just by being who you are, and then...I didn't plan that. It just all built up ‒ the comfort and the reactions to you ‒ and it was exactly where I wanted to be.

"You weren't a rebound fuck, even though I know that's how it seemed, but at the time, I didn't know how to explain that to you. The breakup was too fresh, and then I was going home for Jane all the time, and it distracted me from getting too caught up. It all sort of came together when you told me how you'd helped my sister. You didn't have to do that, but you did. Just because it's a part of your nature."

I had moved in front of the fireplace with him, dragging my fingers over the stones below the mantle as we stood just a few feet apart. I looked up at him questioningly.

"If that was true, why did you let me have that fling with Peter? Why didn't you say anything before I got involved?"

"Hmm...that was a tough one," he admitted. "Bella, you _never_ came to see the band play, no matter how many times I had asked you, but once you met Pete, you were there all the time. You were coming down to Tacoma when you hadn't done that just to see me before then. I knew I couldn't compete with that, not when he was the total opposite of me ‒ going to school to be a doctor, the way he dressed, the kind of family he came from ‒ so what was I supposed to do? I accepted it until he got involved with someone else, but that...that I couldn't deal with. You deserved better."

"But you slept with me to spite him."

"No, please don't think that. I would never objectify you in that way." He took a step closer, dropping his hand from the mantle and loosely hanging his forearms around my waist. "Yeah, I admit that I was pissed at him, and kissing you in front of him was sort of my way of sticking it to him for bailing on the band, but I also didn't want you to get upset about seeing him with that chick. I wanted to show you how amazing and how desirable you were, no matter what kind of shitty move he pulled on you."

That was certainly a different perspective than I'd had of the situation. I had truly believed that Jasper just wanted to one-up his former friend, but he had instead been concerned about me. It was an extremely dude-ish manner of reasoning, but looking back on how it all happened, that made sense.

Then, something else came to me – a detail I'd subconsciously known but had never allowed myself to acknowledge. The next time we had been together was when Lost Like You played in Tampa. So much about his demeanor and behavior that night made sense, finally.

The reason Jasper had been so upset about my cross country move. The distance he kept between us while on the road. Being so upset that I never initiated phone calls. How affectionate he had been the night of his show. How upset he got when I compared myself to one of his groupies. And the song he sang; God, I could _never _forget the haunting inflection of his voice as he played _I Shall Believe_ in the middle of the night.

"Do you have your iPod?" I asked suddenly. I needed to hear it. I needed to listen to the song and hear the lyrics and remember how Jasper had behaved toward me that night.

"Uh, it's up in my room," he said. His face scrunched in confusion, but he let go of me, leading us upstairs. As he sat on his bed, I picked his iPod up from the speakers on his bedside table and scrolled through until I found it. I placed the player back onto the speakers, and Sheryl Crow's voice filled the air.

I lay back, legs dangling over the edge next to Jasper's, soaking up the meaning behind the lyrics and realizing why he played _that_ song, _that_ night.

"You remember."

"Yeah, but I never realized."

The song played, and when it was over, I put it on repeat and sat beside him upright, angling my body toward his.

"I'm sorry for what happened at the wedding," I whispered, even though we were alone. "All that stuff – it was terrible of me to say. You didn't deserve that."

He put his arm around me, pulling me closer until I leaned my head against his shoulder. He smelled so good, so familiar and comforting. "Enough apologizing. We both said ugly, unnecessary things then. I was a jerk. That whole night ripped my heart out, but I think I needed it. It made me want to get my shit together. If not for you, then because you were right."

"I wouldn't let myself miss you, but I never felt right without you in my life somewhere," I muttered against his shirt.

His cast scraped lightly against the bottom of my chin, prompting me to look up him. He seemed so vulnerable in that moment of shared honesty.

"Bella, I need you to believe me that this isn't just about my dad dying or anything else." My face tilted into his casted hand, his fingertips gently rubbing over my cheek. "I love you. So much."

My breathing hitched, just from hearing those words on his lips, and I wrapped my arms around him. We angled ourselves together awkwardly, trying to get as close as we could without making Jasper twist much and hurt his ribs. I wanted to be near him as reality and acceptance permeated my mind and heart. He obviously didn't like the angle because he sat back and pulled me into his lap. I nudged my shoes off, settling my knees on either side of his legs and sinking down onto his thighs. He wrapped his injured arm around my waist and the other curled across my shoulder, reaching up to tangle his hand in my hair. I snaked my arms around him in kind, pressing us closer and letting everything process and fit together in my head. Being there with him, so close, so secure, I felt understanding fill me, pushing away all the animosity and tension that had developed between us. A weight I hadn't realized had been on my shoulders lifted, and for the first time, I truly fell into him – into his arms and his heart.

His cheek pressed against mine, turning inward to run his nose across my cheekbone until he was breathing in my ear. "Tell me it never meant anything to you."

I whimpered at the contact, sinking deeper into the temptation of his body so close to mine and the overwhelming feelings that pushed themselves to the surface rapidly.

"I know it was more to you too," he continued, softly kissing my ear.

I didn't protest as he dragged a path back across my face until his lips brushed mine infinitesimally, touching but not touching. All I could do was nod, waiting for him to go one step further.

He was right. Jasper was right, and I was a fool for never seeing the truth. I may have been able to convince myself all those times we were together that it was nothing more than sex, but that had been self-preservation…compartmentalizing my true feelings. Each experience together had been amazing because of the friendship and trust we shared. I wasn't wrong that Jasper had needed me each of those times, but for far too long, I had denied the startling reality that I'd needed him too. I'd needed to feel that closeness to him, to be able to give him whatever he sought from me. To be able to connect in the deepest, most intimate way possible.

And that was what I needed in the moment we were currently sharing.

To connect.

To _reconnect._

We breathed together, eyes closed and lips waiting, and finally, after what felt like a lifetime, our mouths were together, tentative and testing.

He was holding back, kissing me lightly and pulling back before returning for more. Ten, twenty small kisses were exchanged that way, but I had to have more. I needed to kiss him ‒ feel him ‒ with this new understanding. I needed to test out these emotions and revelations and figure out where it left us. We couldn't go back to being friends, but what would we become?

Pushing my hands up his neck and into his hair, I angled my face against his and pried his lips open, letting my tongue slip through. Deeper and deeper we moved together, tasting and experiencing each other for the first time. We had been here before, but never like this; everything felt new.

Our hands wandered, and I wanted more. Not because I was horny. Not because Jasper was safe. No, he was the farthest thing from safe anymore, but I couldn't change our course. He had put his heart on the line for me, confessing all his secrets and awakening a part of me I never knew existed. I felt revived, brought to life, and tethered to him.

I wanted to feel everything with Jasper. I wanted to know how being with him, secure in the understanding that he loved me, would make this time different...change things.

My back arched, pulling my lips from his, as skin met skin; he tugged my shirt off, prompting me to lift my arms until it was tossed aside. My fingers moved to the buttons of Jasper's shirt. He had taken to wearing this style every day to avoid lifting shirts over his head, and in that moment, I was grateful for it. I watched the light fabric fall away from his shoulders, slipping down his toned arms as he shrugged it off. I toyed with his Ace bandages, feeling the difference in texture from his soft skin, and I was surprised when he started to unravel and unwind them.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I need to feel all of you against me. Please." His eyes begged, so I gave in to him, helping to bring the fabric around and around until it was carefully removed. In turn, Jasper reached behind me and freed my breasts from my bra.

Sooner than I realized, far too caught up in our moment and in between a hundred kisses, we lay on his bed rediscovering one another. Concerned about his injuries, I forced him onto his back, his head propped slightly on a pillow. I hovered over him, staying as close as possible without allowing my weight to rest on him and cause any discomfort. I felt in control, pressing kisses ‒ hard, soft, wet, and lingering ‒ all over his body. He responded and reached for me, constantly trying to bring me back up to his mouth. I couldn't get enough, though. Eventually, he whispered, "Please," to me again, and I crumbled under his request.

Then, I was back above him, holding my body over his after preparing him with a condom. I resented the small piece of latex, but I understood our need for it and adjusted my focus to him instead of the trivial details.

It was there, gazing into each other's eyes and on the cusp of molding our bodies together that I had a staggering realization.

We weren't about to have sex, and we certainly weren't going to fuck.

No. This would be making love. Jasper and I were going to _make love_, in just a few moments.

Because he loved me.

And because I loved him.

_I love him. I love Jasper._

A wide, joyful smile lit my face, and as I mashed our lips into another breathless kiss, I sank down until he was within me ‒ in my body, and in my heart.

_Together_, we moved and sought the pleasure we could only find in one another. _Together_, we built the foundation for something new and irreplaceable. _Together_, we unleashed something we had never had the courage to set free.

Our eyes were trained on one another, communicating all the thoughts we couldn't express as words failed us. I may have led, but Jasper was the beacon ‒ the lighthouse ‒ I followed. Pleasure climbed and spiked, pulling me away from his gaze and forcing my eyes closed, but I fought against it. I wanted to stay that way with him longer, but Jasper sent me into a hard climax when he flexed his pelvis at a new angle and pushed up, going impossibly deeper. It felt like fireworks and hot, sticky summer nights in Tampa all wrapped up in the arms of a beautiful man; my best friend.

.

Sleep claimed us both as willing victims, but my rest did not last. Too many thoughts and new realities swamped my mind, forcing me out of my restful state but not the security of Jasper's sweet hold on me.

I rolled in his arms until I faced him, lightly grazing my fingers over his temple and the fine blond hairs that faded into his hairline. Asleep, he looked peaceful and undeniably gorgeous. From the alluring angles of his jaw to the long slope of his nose, he was stunning, and from the uneven size of his top and bottom lips to the scar above his eyebrow, he was absolutely perfect.

Leaning toward him, I placed a whisper of a kiss on my sleeping beauty and smiled at the way he snuggled into me. In the darkness of night and the security of his presence, I gave him my heart.

"I love you, too."


	17. Inevitable

**A/N: For ElleCC. Thank you so much for your donation to Alex's Lemonade Stand and for taking a chance on me. I hope you haven't been disappointed.**

**Much gratitude to Chele681 & MsKathy for their insight, perspective, and fantabulous editing skillz. They are amazing women I'm proud to call my friends.**

**Unending adoration and love go to all my readers. Each alert, review, tweet, and PM meant the world to me, especially while my RL has been messy. Thanks to those who had read previous stories and gave this one a shot, and thanks to those who enjoyed this story and decided to try some of my other tales.**

**Stay tuned, chickadees, I'm always writing and have quite a number of other FGBs to complete...  
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Apparently, love made me assertive and bold.

Before returning to Tampa, Jasper and I drove to Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners' stadium, and I marched right into the office, résumé in hand, and had an impromptu meet and greet with a couple of the sales bosses. I informed them that I was hoping to move back to area and that I was interested in finding a position with their sales team. My extensive knowledge of Mariners baseball (thanks to Charlie), combined with my experience with the Rays, helped me make a great first impression.

By the end of my little pop-in visit, we had all exchanged business cards, and I knew that I _would_ be hearing from them soon. It only took three days, and a round of applications and pre-interview phone calls began. They were honest that a decision probably wouldn't be made until closer to the end of the current season, but I knew I had a good shot at a position there.

That confidence diffused into other areas of my life, and Demetri must have seen it because when we met up back in Florida, the first thing he said to me was, "This isn't a reconciliation, is it?"

I was not insensitive or hurtful toward him, but I stood my ground as I explained that we were over for good and that I definitely would not be going to Miami with him. He was visibly upset by my decision, but I thought that my time away and the initial breakup had probably prepared him. In the end, our parting was on as good of terms as I could have hoped for, and I wished him the very best. At one point, I had cared for Demetri very much, and on the whole, we'd had a good relationship; we just weren't right for the long run.

As I waited for things to develop with the Mariners, I sought out other jobs in the Seattle area in case that one didn't work out. As much as I loved my mom and Phil, I wanted to go home. I knew that I wanted to be with Jasper, and I craved the comforts of the place where I'd grown up and my dad's presence in my life again.

Since it was the middle of the baseball season when I returned to Tampa, I still had a number of months that I needed to be there. It was difficult when I felt anxious to move forward with the next steps in my life, but the extended period of time also allowed me to get through everything without too much stress or major deadlines. Missing each other was probably the hardest part for Jasper and me. Once we had unlocked our feelings for one another, it was like a tidal wave of love. We didn't have to go through all the getting-to-know-you steps of a new relationship, but there was still so much to experience and feel for one another.

_"So I was thinking…maybe I can come down there and see you?"_

"Really?" I squealed excitedly into the phone one evening. "Are you sure you can do that right now?" Even though I had asked, I wanted him to drop everything he was working on and get his fine ass to Florida. What could I say? I missed him.

_"Yeah, babe. I'm not starting any classes until the fall, and anything else can wait. Four weeks away from you has been four weeks too long."_

Even though I completely agreed with that, I decided to tease him a little. "Really? You can't handle more than a month away from me? We've gone over a year without seeing each other before. I'm sure you can handle it." I grinned to myself, waiting for his response.

_"Just because I've done it doesn't mean I liked it, or that I want repeat that. Plus, I noticed that the Rays have six days of road games coming up, so that should give you some free nights, right?"_

"Well, well, well, I see you've been thinking about this."

_"Bella, I've been thinking about this since the day you left."_

We talked for a while, working out the details of his upcoming visit, and I shrieked and bounced happily when our phone call ended. We were so different from how we had ever been toward one another, but in the best kind of way.

It was on that visit that Jasper and I actually declared ourselves a couple. I think we both knew what we were prior to that, especially since he had made it clear that he wanted me to move home and I'd agreed, knowing I wanted to be with him. This was an official title, though, and it felt good to have that security of his intentions.

In some ways, spending that week with Jasper (when I wasn't working) was amazing but also made the distance more difficult to handle. There were times when we were apart that my heart and body ached for him, and I would stay up too late at night just to talk to him a little longer. I also banned the word goodbye from our vocabulary; when our conversations ended, it was always "talk to you soon" instead.

For what it was worth, the time apart allowed us to grow closer on an emotional level. All the talking filled in the gaps and little details of our lives that we'd missed out on over the past few years. As much as it sucked to go without any form of intimacy for long periods, that always made our reunions very enjoyable. And, okay, I may have sent the occasional Bella-in-lingerie text message or video chatted with him topless. In my defense, Jasper definitely wasn't innocent in the teasing department either.

That transitional time as I awaited the end of baseball season allowed Jasper to figure out what he wanted to do with his future and get his affairs in order. Thanks to Mr. Whitlock's good planning and a sizable life insurance policy, Jasper was still able to follow through on all the business and school plans he had been discussing with his father. He was enrolled in school so that he could finish his degree, and in the meantime, he had decided to go ahead with his studio.

Instead of jumping right into buying a big recording space, he opted to do it in his house, having the basement converted to a studio. It was an investment, but Jasper would be able to manage classes and slowly building a business at the same time. It would reduce his overhead in the long run, and if he was able to turn it into a lucrative venture and open a bigger studio, he would always have the recording space for his personal use. The idea of Jasper sitting down in the basement, alone with his guitar and a mic in the studio was, well, really fucking hot.

When I inquired about the future of Lost Like You, he explained that the guys still got together to practice and hang out every once in a while, but they were all taking some time off. Emmett, the former sound guy from one of the bands Jasper had toured with, had recently moved to Seattle, and he and Jasper had been discussing partnering in the business. Jasper felt confident about his decisions. If Lost Life You ever decided to tour again, I knew it would be under different circumstances than in the past, and I would support him. He deserved that from me this time around.

In the fall, as baseball season drew to a close and franchises approached playoffs, I returned to Seattle for my big interview with the Mariners. I had three individual interviews and a group meeting afterward that took nearly three hours. As exhausted as I was when it was over, I felt like I had nailed it. The following night, I received a call from the sales director asking if I was still in town. I confirmed that I was and received an invitation to dinner to celebrate the job offer they were extending to me.

"Can I bring my boyfriend?" I asked. Jasper sat beside me on the sofa, where we had been watching a movie, and he looked at me eagerly when I squeezed his knee in excitement.

_"Of course. We'd love to meet him. We'll see you at seven o'clock."_

"You got it?" Jasper asked, watching me with wide eyes after I ended the call.

I jumped off the couch and threw my hands up in victory. "I got it!"

He stood with me, picking me up and swinging me around in a celebratory hug.

"Finally!" he exclaimed, kissing my neck. "God, I'm so happy for you, babe."

"Me too!" I agreed. "I can come home! I guess we'll find out when I start tonight."

"What time is it?" he asked, placing me back on my feet.

I glanced at my watched then back at him. "Quarter to four. Why?"

"Well," he said, grinning conspiratorially, "I think some congratulations are in order." His lips met mine, and the message was clear.

"That sounds like an excellent idea to me. Let's go celebrate." I smiled, feeling the joy of my job offer and the excitement for Jasper's lascivious intentions all the way down to my toes. I turned toward the stairs, but he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder before I could get far. I clung to him, giggling gleefully as he carried me all the way up the steps and into his bathroom.

He wiggled his eyebrows when I questioned him. "What? I like you all wet and slippery."

I laughed at him but didn't object. I loved the way my man thought.

It turned out to be a great night all around. I was flying high on my good news and the excitement and relief of finally knowing I could make the move back, and I didn't want to let that go. Jasper helped me "celebrate" throughout the night, but by morning, I knew I needed to get back to Charlie's house to share the great news with my dad.

Dad didn't really expect me to spend the night at his house on my visits now that Jasper and I were together, but I still home-based out of my old bedroom. I loved my father, and I always relished the time we got to spend together. However, he surprised me about ten minutes into our conversation, after I'd had the opportunity to tell him about the dinner with my soon-to-be bosses.

"Pumpkin, I'm so glad you're coming home. It doesn't hurt that you'll have those perks with game tickets either." He was teasing, but I knew he was genuinely excited and looking forward to enjoying some of the special privileges my job would offer. "I just want you to know something, though. You're an adult now, and I accept that you're getting close to settling down here. Hell, I was barely twenty when your mom and I tied the knot. So if you and Jasper want to be together when you come home, I'm not going to get all old fashioned on you."

"Are you telling me it's okay to move in with Jasper?" I asked, fighting a smile.

"That I am."

"You know, he and I hadn't even talked about that yet. I guess I just knew I'd have you here, so I was too busy focusing on everything else." I stood, crossed the kitchen, and came back with the coffee pot, refilling both our mugs. Before returning it to its hotplate, I bent down and kissed the top of his head. "Thanks, Dad."

.

"Bellllllla…come on, sweet thing."

"I don't wanna," I grumbled into my pillow.

"Come on. You've been asleep for two hours. I have dinner, and it's a beautiful night. We can sit outside."

"Fiiiiine," I groaned, pulling myself up off the bed , but I was much happier when Jasper drew me into his warm arms.

"I think I got everything finished. You'll just have to tell me if you want the furniture anywhere different."

"You did?" I asked, smiling up at him.

He smiled back, kissing the tip of my nose. "I told you I'd do it while you napped."

"You're the bestest," I sighed.

"Yup, you love me for my decorating skills."

Moving had not been too bad because I did pretty much the same thing I had when I originally relocated to Florida; I sold most of my furniture and gave the rest of it to my mom before coming back to Bellevue.

The only exception this time was that I decided to keep my car. It was only a few years old, and it seemed wasteful to trade it in when I was so close to paying it off. So Jasper flew to Tampa and joined me for a cross country trip from Florida to Washington. Some days were grueling, full of nothing but driving and endless roads, but we made many stops and detours along the way, enjoying the opportunity to see many places we never would have otherwise.

Back home, Jasper and I had followed my dad's advice ‒ or blessing, whichever it was ‒ and decided to move in together. It was a good opportunity to take the rest of the house and make it his...ours...instead of his father's. He had spent so much time having the basement transformed into a recording studio that the rest of the house was left in pretty much the same state it had been since after the funeral.

Immediately after the road trip home from Tampa, we had gotten rid of the majority of Mr. Whitlock's furniture, repainted and redecorated most of the house, and bought all new living room, dining room, bedroom, and guest room sets. All my clothes and belongings were unpacked, and I had even convinced Jasper to move into the master suite. It was a difficult thing for him to accept, but I reminded him that it was _his_ house now, and that his dad would have wanted him to enjoy it.

Earlier that day, I had practically been sleepwalking as the final furniture delivery came in and we made all the finishing touches on setting things up and completing our enormous home makeover. Jasper had sent me up to our new bedroom and into our big new bed to rest, and I fell onto the comfy, cloud-like mattress happily, closing my eyes and allowing sleep to take hold.

"What's for dinner?" I asked groggily, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes as we made our way downstairs.

He draped his arms over my shoulders when we reached the bottom of the stairs, making me shuffle forward as he remained wrapped around me .

"Mmm…" I hummed happily, dragging him behind me as I tried to get to the kitchen faster. "It smells so yummy."

After indulging in far too much food for my belly ‒ it was so good I couldn't help myself ‒ we grabbed a couple beers and headed for the back porch. I sighed happily when I saw Jasper carrying his acoustic guitar out with him. He sat down on the top step, beckoning me to sit between his legs. After wrapping his arms and his guitar around me, he held his left hand around the neck and placed his right hand over mine, guiding me to strum and create songs together. When we grew tired of our little game, his guitar was set aside, and I closed my eyes, leaning back into him. We snuggled together, exchanging small kisses and bits of conversation every so often, but mostly remaining quiet as we enjoyed the night.

After years of complicated friendship, months rearranging our lives and preparing to be together, and weeks renovating the house, I finally felt like we could be still and breathe.

I was so happy. Happy, home, and in love. Life was good.

"Hey, do you hear that?" Jasper asked softly, his warm breath tickling my ear.

"Hear what?"

"Listen."

I focused on the world around us, and I knew Jasper was smiling behind me when I finally realized what he meant and tightened my grip on his arms.

_"Run! He's right behind you!"_

_"I got you! You're out!"_

_"You're it next!"_

Peals of laughter filled the blue-black evening, solidifying the presence of the neighborhood children playing nearby. The sounds were so familiar, bringing a flood of memories and old feelings to the forefront of my mind.

I turned slightly, tipping my head back just enough for Jasper to lean down and kiss me sweetly. Our lips moved in time for a minute, stopping only when the thunder of little feet dashing through our yard caught our attention.

The boy froze when he realized we were on the steps.

"I…I'm sorry for comin' in your yard," he said, his voice nervous.

Jasper and I both laughed lightly; I knew he was remembering old times with me and our childhood friends.

"We don't mind. What's your name?"

"Riley," the little boy, probably nine years old, told us.

"Well, Riley, it's nice to meet you. I'm Jasper, and this is Bella. Want to know the best hiding places in the neighborhood?"

"Yeah!" Riley exclaimed, expression brightening.

I settled back into Jasper's arms, smiling at how sweet and funny he was with the boy, as he revealed all his secrets to Riley. After giving Jasper an exuberant thank you, Riley dashed off, leaving us alone again.

Jasper stood, offering me his hand, and pulled me to stand. He led me inside with a smile, leaving the sounds of children playing and all the ups and downs of our past behind us.

_**The end.**_

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**E/N: Yes, it's over, but the good news is that I'll be doing a JPOV outtake for FGB.**

**I must say I was surprised that no one caught on to the playlist/chapter titles. The songs I selected were Jasper's perspective on each chapter. The playlist is on my LiveJournal account (though currently missing several songs). Perhaps they'll give you some insight if you go back and look. Here are the songs and artists, as a reminder:**

1- Gimmeakiss - The Avett Brothers  
2- In This Diary - The Ataris  
3- Colorblind - Counting Crows  
4- Seeing Red - Unwritten Law  
5- If I Fell - The Beatles  
6- Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls  
7- Somewhere In Between - Hawthorne Heights  
8- We Might As Well Be Strangers - Keane  
9- I Shall Believe - Sheryl Crow  
10- A Beautiful Mess - Jason Mraz  
11- On Your Side - Pete Yorn  
12- Cannonball - Damien Rice  
13- Out Loud - Dispatch  
14- Without You - Default  
15- You Are Mine - Mute Math  
16- To Be With You - Hoobastank  
17- Inevitable - Anberlin


End file.
